AA:I'mAviArdittiwithRosanneSkirble, andthisweekonWORDMASTER: ourfriendEnglishteacherLidaBakerjoinsusfromLosAngelestotalkaboutexpressionsofsympathy.

LidaBaker

LIDABAKER:"Thereasonthatthiscameupformeisthatafriendofminelosthisfatherlastweek, andwewereovertherevisitinghimandIsaidwhatwenormallysaytoapersoninourculturewhensomeonehasdied. Isaid'I'msosorryforyourloss.'AndI'vebeenwritingsomematerialsforteachingEnglishasasecondlanguageanditoccurredtomethatthisisatopicthatyouneverseeinE.S.L. textbooks. Andyetit'ssoimportantinasituationwheresomeoneisgrievingtosaytherightthing."

AA:"Andyetdoesn'titseemoddalmosttosay'I'msorry.'Imean, ifyouthinkaboutit, whatareyouapologizingfor? Weknowwhatyoumean, but-- "

LIDABAKER:"Well, butit'snotanapology."

AA:"Well, right, exactly. Sowhatdoesthatmean?"

LIDABAKER:"It'sanexpressionofsympathy. AndIthinkthisisoneofthoselittletrapsthatpeoplewhoarelearningEnglishcanfallinto, isnotunderstandingthatanexpressionlike'I'msorry'canhaveseveraldifferentmeanings. Andofcourse, oneofthem, whenyousteponsomeone'sfoot, yousay'I'msorry.'Youapologize. Butanothermeaningof'I'msorry'isanexpressionofsympathy; youfeelsadbecausetheotherpersonhaslostsomethingorbecausesomethingbadhashappenedtothatperson. Sointhatsituationit'sveryappropriatetosay'I'msorry.'

"Deathissuchasensitivetopic, notonlyinU.S. culturebutineveryculture, Ithink. Eventheworditselfissomethingthatwe'renotcomfortablesaying. Andsowetendtofindgentlerwaysoftalkingaboutthistopic, sothatifsomebodyhasdied, we'llsay, forexample, 'I'msorryforyourloss.'Or'Iheardaboutyourfather'spassingandI'msosorry.'Orwe'llsay'Mycondolences.'"

RS:"Howdoyougobeyondthatintheconversation?"

LIDABAKER:"Well, usually, ifyousaytosomebody'I'msosorryforyourloss,'thepersonmightsay'Thankyou.'Buttheymightsaynothing, andcertainlythewayIwasbroughtup, whenyou'reinthepresenceofsomeonewhoisgrieving, thebestthingtodoissayyou'resorry, expressyourcondolencesandthenbequiet.

"Letthepersonwho'sgrievingdeterminewhatisgoingtohappennext. Iftheyfeelliketalking, thenyougoalongwiththat. Butiftheyfeellikebeingsilent, thenyouneedtobecomfortablewiththataswell. That'showmyparentsraisedme."

RS:"Now, togobeyondthatinwriting, howdoyougoaboutdoingthat?"

LIDABAKER:"Well, Ithinkinwriting, ifyou'rewritingyourownnote, thesamethingsthatyouwouldsayareappropriatetowrite. So, 'Wesendyouourdeepestsympathy.'Or'I'msosorryforyourloss.'Bytheway, Iwanttosaysomethingabouttheword'sympathy.'I'vereceivedsympathycardsfrommystudentsonmybirthday. [Laughter]"

RS:"Because, becausethey're-- goon."

LIDABAKER:"Well, tothem, they'reveryhappythatit'smybirthdayandthey'resharinginmyhappiness. Sotothemthewordsympathyisawordthatyouusewhenyouareparticipatinginwhatevertheotherpersonisfeeling. ButIthinkwhatpeoplewhoarelearningEnglishreallyhavetounderstandisthatinourculture, thewordsympathyisalwaysassociatedwithsadness.

"Soifyouareinthestoreandyou'relookingforacardtosendsomebody, andifthatcardhasthewordsympathyonit, thentheyneedtounderstandthatthatcardismeant-- it'sintendedtobesenttosomeonewhohassufferedadeathinthefamily."

RS:EnglishteacherLidaBakerwillhavemoreadvicenextmonthaboutexpressingkindwordsatunhappytimes.

AA:Bytheway, rightaftertheinterview, wegotthise-mailfromLida: "Hi. Ijustgothomeandsawoneofmyneighborswhonormallywalkswithtwodogs. Hewaswalkingwithjustone, soIaskedhimwhathappened. Hesaidtheotherdogdiedlastweek. SowhatdidIsay? 'I'msosorryforyourloss.'Andhereplied, 'Thankyouforyourcondolences.'"

RS:Andthat'sWORDMASTERforthisweek. Lida'sprevioussegmentscanbefoundatvoanews.com/wordmaster. WithAviArditti, I'mRosanneSkirble.