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Friends老友记 Episode 418:TheOneWithRachel'sNewDress
TheOneWithRachel’sNewDress
[Scene:CentralPerk, JoeyandChandlerarethereasPhoebeenterscarryingadrum.]
Phoebe:Hey!
Chandler:Hey! Wow, itistruewhattheysay, pregnantbellieslooklikeadrum.
Phoebe: (notamused) Ha-ha. (Shesitsdownonthecouch.) No, it’sjustI’msopregnantthatI—myguitardoesn’tfitanymore. SoIthought ‘tilI’mnot, I’mjustgonnaplayallmysongsonthisdrum. Itsoundsreallycool!
Chandler:Allright.
Phoebe:Listen. Listen. (Shestartstoplayandsing.) Smellycat, smellycat, whataretheyfeedingyou?
Joey:Wow, Pheebs! Thatsoundsgreat!
Phoebe:Iknow! Iknow, andI’veonlybeenplayingforlikeanhour!
Alice: (entering) Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi!
Phoebe:Hey! Whatareyoudoinghere?
Alice:Umm, actually, Icamedowntoaskyouabigfavour.
Phoebe:Oh, well, don’ttellmeyouwanttokeepmoreofyourstuffinmyuterus.
Alice: (laughs) No. No. No. (Sitsdown.) Okay, now, see, IwannanamethegirlbabyLeslie, andFrankwantstonameoneoftheboybabiesFrankJR. JR.
Chandler:Wouldn’tthatbeFranktheIII?
Alice:Don’tgetmestarted. (ToPhoebe) Anyway, umm, sincetherearethreebabiesandumm, webothgottoputournamesin, wewouldbetrulyhonouredifyounamedtheotherboybaby.
Phoebe:Wow! That’ssogreat! Oh! Oh! Cougar.
Alice:Youthinkaboutit. (Leaves)
OPENINGCREDITS
[Scene:Ross’sapartment, heandEmilyaregettingreadytogototheairport.]
Emily:Ileftabradryingontheshowerrod, youdon’tthinkyoursonwillthinkit’syoursandbehorriblytraumatised?
Ross:Hey, ifmommycanhaveawife, daddycanhaveabra.
Emily: (checkstheclock) Ohh, it’stimetogo.
Ross:Oh, no-no-no, see, that-thatclock’salittlefast, uh, wehave 17 minutes. Huh, whatcanwedoin 17 minutes? Twice?
Emily:Wellthat’sambitious.
(Theykissbutareinterruptedbyaknockonthedoor.)
Ross:Hey, uh, youcanignorethat.
Emily:That’sCarolwithyourson!
Ross:Uhh, believemewhenhe’solder, he’llunderstand.
Carol: (knockingonthedoor) Ross!
Ross:I’llberightthere. (HegoesoverandopensthedoortoCarol, Susan, andBen.) (ToBen.) Hello! (ToCarol.) Hello! (ToSusan.) Hey. Uhh, Emily, thisisCarolandSusan.
Susan:Hey, it’ssonicetofinallymeetyou!
Emily:Metoo!
Carol:Ohh, y’know, Susan’sgonnabeshootingacommercialinLondonnextweek.
Susan:Ohyeah, I’msoexcited, I’veneverbeenthere.
Emily:Oh, well, I’llshowyouaround.
Susan:Thatwouldbegreat! Also, uh, Iwashopingtocatchashowsoifyoucanmakeanysuggestions…
Emily:Oh, there’stonnesofterrificstuff—I’llgowithyou!
Susan:Ahh!
(Rossaccidentally, onpurpose, bumpsintoSusan.)
Ross:Lookatyoutwo, bonding, makinguslatefortheairportso…
Emily:Areyouallright?
Susan:Oh, he’sfine. He’sfine. It’sjustthatusgettingalongisdifficultforhim, becausehedoesn’tlikeme.
Ross:Ohcomeon! That’s-that’s… true.
[Scene:MonicaandRachel'serm, ChandlerandJoey's, JoeyandChandlerareplayingfoosballasPhoebeenters.]
Phoebe:Hi!
Joey:Hey!
Chandler:Hey! Dowehaveababynameyet?
Phoebe:Ugh! No! Thisissohard! Iwentthroughthiswholebook (Holdsupabook) andfoundnothing! Iwantanamethat’sreallylike, y’knowstrongandconfident, y’know? Like-likeExxon.
Chandler:Well, itcertainlyworkedforthatValdezkid.
Joey:Ooh-ooh, Pheebs, youwantastrongname? Howabout, TheHulk?
Phoebe:No, I’m-I’mnotsureaboutHulk, butIliketheideaofanamestartingwith "The."
Joey:Oh, wantagoodname, gowithJoey. Joey’syourpal. Joey’syourbuddy. "Whereiseverybody?" "Well, they’rehangingoutwithJoey."
Chandler:Hey, y’knowwhat, ifyou’regonnadothat, ifyou’regonnanamehimJoey, youshouldnamehimChandler. (Phoebedoesn’tthinkso.) Oh, comeon! Chandler’sfunny, sophisticated, andhe’sveryloveable, onceyougettoknowhim.
Joey:Ohwell, hey, Joey’sloveabletoo! ButthethingaboutJoeyis, ifyouneedhim, he’llbethere.
Chandler:Well, Chandlerwillbethereforyoutoo. Imean, well, hemightbealittlelate, but-but, he’llbethere. Andhe’llbringyousomecoldsoda, ifwantyouneedhimforisthatyou’rereallyhot.
Joey:Whatdoyasay? Whatdoyasay?
Phoebe:Well, I, IliketheideaofnaminghimaftersomeoneIlove, andJoeyandChandleraregreatnames. (Theybothstareather.) But, allright, Idon’t—maybeI’lljustnamehimTheHulk.
Joey:IknewIshouldn’thavementionedit! That’swhatIwantedtonamemykid!
[Scene:ChandlerandJoey'serm, MonicaandRachel's, MonicaiscookingandRachelisgettingreadyforadatewithJoshua.]
Rachel:Hey, Mon, ifyouwerehopingtosleepwithJoshuathefirsttimetonight, whichoneofthesewouldyouwanttobewearing. (She’sholdingtwofrilly, lacenighties.)
Monica:Y’knowwhat? Itreallycreepsmeoutchoosingotherpeople’ssexclothes.
Rachel:Sorry. I’msoexited! I’vebeenwaitingforthisformonths! Igotmyhaircoloured! Igotnewsheets! I’mmakinghimaveryfancymeal.
Monica:Um-hmm.
Rachel:WhatamImakinghimbytheway?
Monica:Well, you’remakinghimafriezesaladwithgoatcheeseandpinenuts, wildnuts, wildrice, roastasparagus, andsalmonaucroup.
Rachel:IthoughtIwasmakinghimfiletmignon?
Monica:Yeah, youwere, butyoudecidedtomakesalmonbecauseyouhadsomeleftoverattherestaurant. Andthenyourealisedifyou (PointsatRachel) bitchedaboutit, thenyou (Pointstoherself) wouldstopcooking, andyou (PointsatRachel) wouldhavetomakeyourfamousbakedpotatoandDietCoke.
Rachel:Wow, IreallygetcrabbywhenIcook.
[Scene:MonicaandRachel'serm, ChandlerandJoey's, Joey, Chandler, andPhoebearethereasRossenters.]
Ross:Hey!
Joey:Hey!
Chandler:Hey!
Ross:Souh, Emilycalledlastnight…
Chandler:Andnowyou’regivingmethemessage!
Ross:TurnsoutthemEmilyisjustcrazyaboutSusan. Yeah, they’regoingtothetheatretogether! They’regoingtodinner! They’regoinghorsebackriding!
Phoebe:God, Susanissofun!
Ross:Look, thisisjustalittletoofamiliar, okay? Forlike, forlikesixmonthsbeforeCarolandIspiltup, allIheardwas: "MyfriendSusanissosmart. MyfriendSusanissofunny. MyfriendSusanissogreat."
Chandler:YouactuallythinkthatsomethingcanhappenbetweenEmilyandSusan?
Ross:Hey, they’regoingtothegymtogether! Twowomen! Stretching! Y’knowthey-theytakeasteamtogether! Thingsgetalittleplayful—didn’tyouseePersonalBest?
Joey:No, butI’mgonna!
Chandler:Hi! Hi! You’recrazy! Okay? ThisisEmily. Emilyisstraight.
Ross:Howdoyouknow? ImeanwethoughtCarolwasstraightbeforeImarriedher!
Phoebe:Yeah, Idefinitely. Idon’tlikethenameRoss.
Ross:WhataweirdwaytokickmewhenI’mdown.
Phoebe:No! No! I-Imeantforthebaby!
Ross:Oh. What’swrongwithRoss?
Phoebe:Well, it’sjusty’knowthatsomethinglikethiswouldnevertolikeTheHulk, y’know…
Ross:Actuallythat-that’snottrue, inTheIncredibleHulkuh, No. 72, Dr. BruceBannerfound… (Seeseveryonestaringathimandstops.) Y’know, ugh, nevermind, mygirlfriend’salesbian. (Leaves.)
Phoebe:So, IdecidedI’mdefinitelygoingtogowitheitherJoeyorChandler.
Joey:Oh! Oh-oh, yougottapickJoey! Imean, nameonefamouspersonnamedChandler.
Chandler:RaymondChandler.
Joey:Someoneyoudidn’tmakeup!
Chandler:Okay, therearenofamousJoey’s. Exceptfor, huh, JoeyButtafucco.
Joey:Yeah, thatguyreallyhurtus.
Phoebe:Well, howaboutacompromisethen, okay? Whatifit’slikey’know, Chanoey?
Chandler:Okay, look, Joey! Comeon, thinkaboutit, firstofall, he’llneverbePresident. There’snevergonnabeaPresidentJoey.
Joey:Allrightlookman, Ididn’twanttobringthisup, butChandler, isthestupidestnameIeverheardinmylife! It’snotevenaname; it’sbarelyevenaword. Okay? It’skindalikechandelier, butit’snot! Allright? It’sastupid, stupidnon-name!
Chandler:Wow, you’re, you’reright. Ihaveahorrible, horriblename.
Joey:I’msorryman, Ididn’t—I’m-I’msorry. I’msorry. (Goesoverandcomfortshim.)
Chandler:Okay.
Joey:SoIguessit’sJoeythen!
[Scene:ChandlerandJoey'serm, MonicaandRachel's, RachelisonherdinnerdatewithJoshua.]
Joshua:Thisissonice. Thankyoufordoingthis.
Rachel:Ohh, please! Cookingsoothesme. (Theykiss.) Ahh. So, digin!
Joshua:Great! Oh, italllookssooogood!
Rachel: (takingabite) Hmmm!
Joshua:OhmyGod!
Rachel:OhIknow, myGod, thisisso—thisriceisso—Iamsogood.
Joshua:Behindyou?
Rachel: (seesthechickandtheduck) Oh, yeah, I’msorry. Theyusedtolivehere; sometimestheymigratebackover.
Joshua: (gettingupandbackingawayfromthey.) Isthereah, istheresomewaytheycannotbehere. It’sjustah, farmbirdsreallykindafreakmeout!
Rachel:Yeah, sure, okay. Okay.
(Rachelgetsupandushersthemintothehall, astheypassJoshua, heleapsontothecountertoavoidthem. Racheldropsthemoffinthehall, andknocksonJoey’sdoor.)
Joey: (answeringthedoor.) Hey, howdidyoudothat?! Comeonin. (Hebringstheminside.)
[CutbacktoRachel’sdate.]
Rachel:Allgone! So, farmbirds, huh?
Joshua:Yeah, it’s-it’smyonlyweirdthing, Iswear. AndI-I-Iwould’vetoldyouaboutit, butIdidn’tknowtheywouldbehere.
Rachel:Oh.
Joshua:So, allright.
(Theybothsitbackdown.)
Rachel:Okay. So, canIserveyoualittleof—What? What? What? (SheseesthatJoshuaisn’trelaxed.)
Joshua:NothingIuh, it’sjustthatIknowthatthey’restilloutthere.
Rachel:But, they’reacrossthehall! Imeanthat’stwodoorsaway, itwouldtakethemalongtimetopecktheirwaybackoverhere.
Joshua:Okay, that’s-that’snotfunny. Uhh.
Rachel:Okay, y’know, wouldyoufeelbetterifwewentsomeplaceelse? Imeanwecouldpackallthisstuffupandy’knowgotoyourapartment.
Joshua:Oh, they’reworkingonthisweek, it’satotalmess. Butuh, I’mstayingatmyparents’ house, wecouldgothere.
Rachel:Yourparents’?
Joshua:Yeah, they’reoutoftown.
Rachel:Ohh.
Joshua:Yeah-yeah, it’sthishugeplace, and-andit’sgotthisgorgeousviewofthepark, andvery, veryromantic. Whatdoyousay?
Rachel:Yeahthatworks.
(Hemovestokissher, butstopswhenhehearstheduck.)
Joshua:They-they-theycansmellfear.
[Scene:Ross’sapartment, CarolhascometopickupBen.]
Ross: (openingthedoor.) Hey!
Carol:Hey! How’sBen?
Ross:Well, Iaskedhimifhewantedtoeat, hesaid, "No." Iaskedhimifhewantedtosleep, hesaid, "No." Iaskedhimwhathewantedtodo, hesaid, "No." So, he’ssweeping. (WeseeBenplayingwithabroomandadustpan.)
Carol:Hey, Ben! Hey!
Ross:Soumm, anywordfromSusan?
Carol:Ooh, yeah! Shesaidshe’shavingsooomuchfunwithEmily.
Ross:Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, bytheby, didituh, diditeveroccurtoyouthat, Idon’tknow, maybetheymightbehavingalittletoomuchfun?
Carol:What’stoomuchfun?
Ross:Y’know, thekindoffun, youandSusanhadwhenweweremarried.
Carol:OhmyGod, youaresoparanoid!
Ross:AmI?!
Carol:Yes!
Ross:AmI?!
Carol:Ican’tspeakforEmily, butSusanisinaloving, committedrelationship.
Ross:Uh-huh, Carol, sowerewe. Allright, just-justimagineforamoment, Susanmeetssomeoneand-andtheyreallyhititoff. Y’know? Say-saythey’recomingbackfromthetheatre, andthey-theystopatapubforacoupleofdrinks, they’relaughing, y’know, someoneinnocentlytouchessomeoneelse… There’selectricity, it’snew. It’sexciting. Areyoutellingmethereisn’teventheslightestpossibilityofsomethinghappening?
Carol:Maybe.
Ross:OHMYGOD!! Ididn’treallybelieveituntilyoujustsaidit!!
[Scene:Joshua’sparents’ apartment, RachelandJoshuaareentering.]
Joshua: …andeventhoughnoneoftheotherkidsbelievedme, IsweartoGod, thatduckpushedme!
Rachel:Wow! Thisplaceisfabulous!
Joshua:Yeah, yeah, letmeshowyouaround. Thisistheuh, downstairslivingroom.
Rachel:Whoa-whoa, there’stwolivingrooms? God, growinguphere, thisplacemust’vebeenarealbabemagnet.
Joshua:Yeah, well, itwould’vebeen, butuh, myparentsjustmovedhere.
Rachel:Ohh, youshouldknow, thisplaceisarealbabemagnet. Wannamakeout?
(Theykiss.)
Joshua:Hey, here’sanidea. Whydon’tuh, Iputthefoodinthefridgeandwecaneatitlater?
Rachel:Thatsoundslikeaplan. Umm, isthereaplaceIcangofreshenup?
Joshua:Ohyeah, yeahuh, it’sdownthehallanduh, seconddoortoyourleft.
Rachel:Ah.
(Shegoesdownthehall. Joshuagoestoputthefoodawaywhenhisparentswalkin.)
Mrs. Burgin:Oh, hi, darling!
Joshua:Mom, Dad, whatareyouguysdoinghere?
Mrs. Burgin:Oh, wellwecutthetripshort.
Mr. Burgin:Francesucks!
Joshua:Umm, thismaybealittleweird, butI-I-Igotadatehere.
Mrs. Burgin:Oh, saynomore!
Mr. Burgin:We’lljustgrabsomefoodandtakeitwithusrightupstairs, andwe’llberightoutofyouhair.
Joshua:Oh, that-thatwouldbegreat. Soyoudidn’tevengettoItaly?
Mr. Burgin:Yep, sucks!
(Theyallgointothekitchen. Justthen, Rachelcomesbackfromthebathroom; shehadremovedherdressandiswearingnothingbutalacenightie. ShetriestofindsomeplaceseductivetowaitforJoshua. Shetriestositonthepiano, butitmakestoomuchnoise. SoshegoesovertothecouchandkindahalflaysdowntowaitforJoshua. Joshuacomesinfromthekitchen, seesRachel, andfreezes.)
Rachel:Hiyou!
Joshua:OhmyGod!
Rachel:Iknow, Icandomorethancook.
(Justthen, hisparentsenter. Rachelgasps.)
Mr. Burgin:Ilikeher. Sheseessmart.
COMMERCIALBREAK
[Scene:Joshua’sparents’ apartment, continuedfromearlier.]
Joshua:Uhh, Rachel, myparents…
Rachel:Ohh! It’ssonicetomeetyou. (Shegoesoverandshakestheirhands.) Hello.
Mr. Burgin:Hi.
Rachel:Hello.
Mrs. Burgin:Hello. Well, Joshua, that $500 wasforgroceries.
Rachel:What? This-this, no, ohno, no-no-no, thisisnot—that’s-that’snotwhatitis. See, see, okay, Iworkinfashion, seeand-and, thisisarealdressactually. It’s-it’s, they’re-they’rewearingitinMilan, sopartofmyjobistooweartheclothes, andthenIseehowpeoplerespond, andthenIreportbacktomysuperiorsatBloomingdale’s, so… Andobviouslyinuh, in-inthiscase, (Shegrabsapenandpaper) Iamgoingtoreportback, "USAnotready."
Mrs. Burgin:MaybeinL.A?
Rachel:Yes!
Joshua:Thereyougo.
Mr. Burgin:So, haveyoukidseatenyet?
Rachel:Well, weweregoingtodothatafter—Imeanumm, next.
Mr. Burgin:Well, we’restarving, whydon’tweallgogetsomethingtoeat?
Rachel:Oh, yeah, well… Yeah, nousewastingthisbaby, justlyin’ aroundthehouse.
Mr. Burgin:So… Wegoeat.
Rachel:Yes.
Mr. Burgin:You’llwearthat. We’llbeeating, andofcourse, you’llbewearingthat.
[Scene:MonicaandRachel'serm, ChandlerandJoey's, ChandlerislookingforanewnameinPhoebe’sbookofnames.]
Joey:Dude, IamsorryaboutwhatIsaid!
Chandler:No, no, you’reright, itisaridiculousname!
Joey:It’snotthatbad.
Chandler:Yesitis! Fromnowon, Ihavenofirstname.
Joey:So, you’rejustBing?
Chandler:Ihavenoname.
Phoebe:Allright, so, whatarewesupposedtocallyou?
Chandler:Okayuh, fornow, temporarily, youcancallme, Clint.
Joey:NowayareyoucoolenoughtopullofClint.
Chandler:Okay, sowhatnameamIcoolenoughtopulloff?
Phoebe:Umm, Gene.
Chandler:It’sClint. It’sClint! (Heheadsforhisbedroom.)
Joey:Seeyoulater, Gene.
Phoebe:Bye, Gene.
Chandler:It’sClint! Clint!
Joey:What’supwithGene?
[Scene:CentralPerk, RachelistellingPhoebeandMonicaofherdate.]
Monica:So, youworeyournightietodinner?
Rachel:Oh, yeah. Anduh, thebestpartthough, whentheuh, waiterspilledwaterdownmyback, Ijumpedup, andmyboobpoppedout.
Phoebe:OhmyGod!
Monica:Oh, no!
Rachel:No, it’sallright. Igotniceboobs. (PhoebeandMonicanodthereheadsinagreement.)
Ross: (returningfromthephone.) So, IjustpickedupamessagefromEmily, sheandSusanaregoingtoapoetryreadingtogether!
Rachel:So?
Ross:So! Poetry? Susan’sgay! They’rebeinggaytogether!
Monica:Emily’sstraight.
Ross:Oh, wakeup!
Phoebe:Wow, Carolreallymessedyouup!
Ross:Excuseme?
Phoebe:Yeah, sheturnedyouintothis-this-thisuntrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant. (Theyalllookather.) Allright, soIdon’tknowwhatsycophantmeans, buttherestisright.
Ross:Look, Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout, Iamnotacrazy, jealousperson.
Rachel:Huh.
Ross:What?
Rachel:She’stotallyright! Whenweweretogether, yougotallfreakedoutaboutMarkandtherewasnothinggoingon.
Monica:Thistotallymakessense!
Ross:Itdoesnot!
Monica:Oh, sureitdoes! Inhighschool, youweren’tjealousatalleventhoughallyourgirlfriendswerecheatingonyou!
Phoebe:Allright, allright, soupuntil ‘92-93 hewasverytrusting, then ’94 hit, Carollefthimandbamn! Paranoidcity!
Rachel:Absolutely! Absolutely!
Monica:Thisissomuchfun!
Ross:Thisisnotfun!
Monica:Look, allwe’retryingtosayis, don’tletwhathappenedwithCarolruinwhatyougotwithEmily.
Phoebe:Yeah. The ’92 Rosswouldn’t.
Ross:Well, IstillthinkIwasrightaboutthatwholeMarkthing.
Rachel:What—yeah—what, y’knowwhat? IhopeEmilyisalesbian.
[Scene:MonicaandRachel'serm, ChandlerandJoey's, PhoebeisshowingoffmoreofherdrumskillstoJoeybyrubbingoneofthesticksbackandforthacrossthedrum.]
Phoebe:Drumroll.
Chandler: (entering) Okay. Okay. Allright. Help! AmIaMark, oraJohn?
Joey:Nah, you’renottallenoughtobeaMark, butyoumightmakeagoodBarney.
Chandler:Allrightlook, amIserious, okay? Tomorrowat 3:30 Iamgoingdowntothecourthouse.
Phoebe:You’reactuallygoingthroughwiththis?
Chandler:Hey, look, thisnamehasbeenholdingmebackmyentirelife. Okay, it’sprobablywhykidspickedonmeinschool, andwhyIneverdowellwithwomen… So, asof 4 o’clocktomorrow, I’meithergonnabeMarkJohnsonorJohnMarkson.
Phoebe:Yougotproblemsbecauseofyou! Notyourname! Allright, thishasgottostop! Chandlerisagreatname! Infact—yes, (ToJoey) I’m, I’msorry. IknowyoureallywantedmetonamethebabyJoey, buteh, so, I’m-I’m, I’mgonna, I’mgonnanamethebabyChandler.
Chandler: (pleased) Really?!
Phoebe:Yeah, butyouhavetokeepthenametoo!
Chandler:Okay. Thanks.
Phoebe:Okay!
Chandler:Youwannahugitout?
Phoebe:Yeah!
(Theybothhug.)
Phoebe:Yay!
Chandler:Yay!
Phoebe:Yay—oh—yay! Okay, IgottagotellFrankandAlice! Rightnow!
Chandler:Okay!
Phoebe:Ooh, uh… (Shegrabshercoatandrunsout.)
Chandler:Bye, Pheebs!
Phoebe:Okay, bye!
(Sheexits, andafterthedoorisclosed, ChandlerturnstoJoeyand…)
Chandler:Ha! Ha! Ha!
Joey:Ohh! (RealisesitwasallatricktogetPhoebetonamethebabyChandler.)
CLOSINGCREDITS
[Scene:theairport, CarolandRossarewaitingforEmilyandSusantodeplane. Agorgeouswomanwalksbyandtheybothturntowatchhergo.]
Ross:Niceluggage.
Carol:Iwasgonnasay…
(SusanandEmilygetoff.)
Susan:Hey!
(Theybothrunandhugthey’rerespectivepartners.)
Ross:Hi!
Emily:Hey! Imissedyou.
Ross:Oh, Imissedyoutoo.
Susan: (ToEmily) Thanksforeverything, Ihadsuchagreattime.
Emily:Oh, sodidI.
(Theyhugandgiveeachotheralittlepeckonthecheek.)
Ross: (ToCarol) Notongue. (Andgivesherthethumbsup.)
END