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Friends老友记 Episode 419:TheOneWithAllTheHaste
TheOneWithAllTheHaste
[Scene:Rachel’sbedroom; Rachelisawokenbyamansinginginthenextapartment.]
TheSingingMan: (singing, duh) Morning’shere! Sunshineishere! Theskyisclear, themorning’shere! Themorning’shere!
Rachel:HEY!! Doyouhavetodothat? It’sSaturday!
TheSingingMan: Ohcomeon! Morning’shere! (Startssinging) Morning’shere! Themorningishere! Sunshineishere!
(Rachelslamsshutherwindowandstormsintothelivingroom, whereJoeyandMonicaareeatingbreakfast.)
Rachel:Ihatethisapartment! Ihatethecolorofthesewalls! Ihatethefactthatthisplacestillsmellslikebird! Ihatethatsingingguy!
Joey:Areyoukidding? Ilovethatguy! (Startssinging) Morning’shere! Morningishere—
Rachel:Stopit! Iwillkillyou. Ihatethefactthatmyroomissosmall.
Monica:Hey, IhaveallthespaceIneed. JustdowhatIdid.
Rachel:Monica, youdon’tevenhaveabed, yousleepinaballonthefloor!
Monica:Y’knowwhat? Iamreallytiredofyourbellyaching! Okay, I-Iworkedreallyhardatmakingthisaniceplaceforustolive!
Rachel:I’msorry. I’msosorry.
Monica:Okay.
Joey:See, thisisagreatapartment.
Monica:Shutup! Thisplaceisahole!
OPENINGCREDITS
[Scene:Ross’sbedroom; RossandEmilyaremakingout. Rossasanewfeature.]
Emily:Oh, blimey, Istillcan’tbelieveyou’vegotanearring!
(Yep, it’salittlegoldloop.)
Ross:Huh? Iknow, Iknow. WhoamI? DavidBowe? (Shakeshisheadaround, pretendinglikehe’sjamming.)
Emily:Hedoesthat?!
Ross:Uh, Idon’tknow, whatever.
Emily:Ithinkitmakesyoulookreallydangerous.
Ross:Oh, Iknow. Y’knowwhat, Ineverwould’vegottenthisifitweren’tforyou. Noreally, whenI’mwithyouI’m-I’mlikethiswholeotherguy, Ilovethatguy! Imean, Iloveyoutoo, alot, butthatguy! I-Ilovethatguy!
Emily:Ilovebothofyou!
Ross:Yeah?
(Theykiss.)
Emily:IwishIdidn’thavetogo.
Ross:Thendon’t. Stayhere. Justdon’tgososoontoLondon, justonemoreday.
Emily:Ohh, Ross, please!
Ross:Onemoreday, seriously/
Emily:Don’tdothistome, again. You’dknowI’dstayhereinaminute, butI’dreallymisssomuchwork, they’llfireme.
Ross:So, thenyoucanstayaslongasyouwant.
Emily:IwishIcould.
Ross:Ohno. Don’t, don’t, don’tstartpacking. Comeon! (Sheputssomeclothesintoherbag, andRossthrowsthemout.)
Emily:Idon’tthinkyouunderstandpacking. Look, Ijustdon’twanttoleaveittothelastminute. LasttimeIleftinsucharush, Ileftmyknickershere.
Ross:Yeah, Iknow, Iuh, Itriedthemon.
Emily:Youdidn’t!
Ross:No. No, Ididn’t. Ididn’twanttobethatguy.
[Scene:MonicaandRachel'serm, ChandlerandJoey's, JoeyandChandlerarewatchingoneofthoseKungFumoviesandimitatingthemoves.]
Phoebe: (entering, wearingSantapants) Hello!
Chandler:Ho! Ho! Ho!
Phoebe:Excuseme.
Chandler:Yourpants!
Phoebe:Oh, yeah! Youlike ‘em? Ijust, Iwenttoausedclothesstoreandgotabunchofmaternitystuff. Thesearesooocomfortable!
Joey:Uhh, Pheebs, thoseareuh, thoseareSantapants.
Phoebe:What?
Chandler:Santapants. (Phoebestilldoesn’tgetit.) SantaClaus’spants.
Phoebe:Nuh-uh! They’rematernitypants. Theyevencamewithalistofbabynames. (Pullsoutasheetofpaperwhichlistswho’sbeennaughtyandwho’sbeennice.) See, thesenamesaregood, andthesenamesarebad. (Finally, shefiguresitout.) Ohh.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Rachel:So—Hey, Pheebs! So, howaretheelves?
Phoebe:Idon’tknow! Howarethe-the-the-the, y’know—You’reclothesaren’tfunny.
Monica:Hey, guys, what-whatshouldIweartoaKnicksgame?
Chandler:Uhh, aT-shirtthatsays, "Idon’tbelonghere."
Joey:YouhaveKnickstickets?
Rachel:Yeah, mymomgotmydad’sseasonticketsinthedivorce, soshejustgavethemtome.
Monica:Yeah, apparently, they’reprettygoodseats.
Rachel:Yeah.
Joey: (examiningthetickets) OhmyGod! Thosearealmostrightonthefloor!
Rachel:Doyouguyswantthese?
Joey:Yeah!
Chandler:Yeahwedo!
Rachel:Ohh, wellyougot ‘em.
Both:Allright!
Rachel:Justgiveusourapartmentback!
Phoebe:Boy! Ididn’tseethatcoming!
Chandler:Areyouserious?
Rachel:Oh, comeon! Weknowwhattheseareworth.
Monica:Yeah, what, doyouthinkwe’restupid?
Joey:You’renotstupid. You’remeanerthanIthought.
Monica:Whatdoyousay?
Chandler:Forgetit! Okay, I’mnotgivingupmybachelorpadforsomebasketballseats!
Rachel:You’rebachelorpad?!
Monica:Haveyouevenhadagirluphere?
Chandler:No. Butuh, Joeyhas, andIusuallytalktotheminthemorningtime.
Joey:Yeah, youdo!
[Scene:CentralPerk, JoeyiswhiningtoChandleraboutthetickets.]
Joey:Comeon!
Chandler: (ignoringhim) Yes, Gunther, canIgettwocupsofchino, please?
Gunther:Goodone.
Joey:Comeon, seasontickets! Seasontickets, doyouknowwhatthatmeans?
Chandler:Forgetit! Okay, I’mnotgivinguptheapartment.
Joey:Ohcome—look, whenIwasakidmydad’scompanygaveseasonticketstothenumberonesalesmaneveryyear, allright? Mydadneverwon! Ofcourse, hewasn’tinthesalesdivision, butstill, Ineverever, everforgotthat!
Ross: (entering) Hey, guys! (Theybothnoticehisnewlittlefriend)
Joey:Hey!
Chandler:OhmyGod!
Joey:Wedon’tmakeenoughfunofyoualready?
Ross:Ohyeah, Emilyconvincedmetodoit.
Chandler:YoudoknowthatWhambrokeup?
Ross:Ilikeit, andEmilylikesit, andthat’swhatcounts. Souh, howareyouguysdoing?
Joey:Oh-no, don’ttryandtalkallnormalwiththatthinginyourear.
Chandler:WhereisEmily?
Ross:Ugh, she’ssayinggood-byetoheruncle.
Chandler:Man, didn’tshelikejustgethere?
Ross:Yeah!! Yeah!
Chandler:Easytiger.
Ross:Ijust, Ihatethissomuch! Imean, everytimeIgopickherupattheairport, it’s-it’ssogreat. ButatthesametimeI’mthinking, "Well, I’mgonnaberightbackthereinacoupleofdays, droppingheroff."
Chandler:Sowhatareyougoingtodo?
Ross:Nothing! There’snothingtodo! Imean, shelivesthere, Ilivehere. Imean, she-she’dhavetouh, movehere. Sheshouldmovehere!
Joey:What?
Ross:Icouldaskhertolivewithme!
Chandler:Areyouserious?
Ross:Imean, whynot! Imean, Imeanwhynot?!
Chandler:Becauseyou’veonlyknownherforsixweeks! Okay, I’vegotacartonofmilkinmyfridgeI’vehadalongerrelationshipwith!
Ross:Lookguys, whenI’mwithherit’s-it’s-it’slikeshebringsthis-this-thisgreatsideoutofme. ImeanI-I-Iloveher, y’know?
Chandler:AndIlovethemilk! But, I’mnotgonnasomeBritishgirltomoveinwithme! (Realizesthatmadenosense.) Joey, yousaythingsnow.
Joey:Allrightlook, Ross, he’sright. Emily’sgreat, she’sgreat! Butthiswaytoosoon, you’reonlygonnascareher!
Ross:Idon’twanttodothat.
Joey:No! Youdon’twanttowreckit, youdon’twanttogotofast!
Ross:Yeah, no, you’reright, Iknow, you’reright, I’mnot, I’mnotgonnadoit. Allright, thanksguys. (Getsuptoleave.)
Chandler:Okay, noproblem, justremembertowakeusupbeforeyougo-go.
[Scene:MonicaandRachel'serm, ChandlerandJoey's, laterthatsameday. JoeyandChandlerareeatingpizza, andPhoebeistryingtoknitsomething.]
Phoebe:That’stoohard. Toohard!
Monica: (enteringwithRachel) Allrightboys, lastchanceforthetickets!
Rachel:OrI’llgivethemtomynewboyfriend, Joshua.
Chandler:Nothankyou.
Joey:Wait-wait-wait-wait! (ToChandler) Comeon! Comeon, let’strade! Thetiming’sperfect, Ijustcloggedthetoilet!
Chandler:Look, Iwantthosebasketballseatsasmuchasyoudo! Okay, butwecan’tleaveinthesmallapartmentafterwe’velivedhere! Didn’tyoueverreadFlowersforAlgernon?
Joey:Yes! Didn’tyoueverreadSportsIllustrated?! No! Ididn’treadyours! Butcomeon, wecangotothegametonight!
Chandler:Look, theonlywayIwillevenconsiderthisisiftheyofferalotmorethanjustseasonseats.
Joey:It’stheKnicks!
Chandler:ScrewtheKnicks!
Joey:Whoa!
Chandler:Ididn’tmeanthat. Ijustmeantthattheapartmentisworthsomuchmore.
Joey:Huh.
Chandler:AndtheKnicksruleall.
Joey:Yeah, theKnicksruleall!
Phoebe:Hey, so? Areyougonnadoit?
Chandler:No. No. We’renotgonnadothat, y’knowwhy? Becauseitsnotaneventrade.
Rachel:Allright, okay, look, whatifyoucouldkeeptheapartmentandgetthetickets?
Joey:Done!
Rachel:Letmefinish.
Joey:Oh.
Rachel:I’mtalkingaboutabet, winnertakesall.
Joey:Ooh, wecouldendupwithnothing.
Phoebe:Oryoucouldendupwitheverything.
Joey:Ooh, Ilikethat.
Monica:Allright, sowhatdoyousay?
Chandler:No!
Monica:Oh, justdoit!!
Chandler:Op, op, I’mconvinced!
Joey:Comeonman, youknowI’ddoitforyou! Because, you’remybestfriend.
Chandler:Allright, butyoucan’tusethatagainforawholeyear. I’min.
Joey:Allright!
Phoebe:Ooh, thisissoexciting! Ooh, God, whatareyougoingtobet?
Rachel:Oh, okay, well, IthinkweshouldletPhoebedecide, becauseshe’stheonlywho’simpartial, andshe’ssopretty.
Phoebe:Okay. Umm, ooh, ooh—oh, Ihaveagame!
Joey:Okay!
Chandler:Okay!
Phoebe:Thisisgreat!
Joey:What’sthegame?! What’sthegame?!
Phoebe:Oh, well, itdoesn’thaveaname—oh, okay, Phoebeball! No, itdoesn’thaveaname. Umm, okay, Monica, whatisyourfavouritethingabouttrees?
Monica:They’regreen?
Phoebe:Good! Good! Fivepoints!
(Theybothrejoice; Chandleristotallyconfused.)
Phoebe:Allright, Joey, samequestion.
(HelookstoChandler, whodoesn’thaveaclue.)
Joey:Uhh, they’retall.
Phoebe:Ooh, threepoints. Bothfineanswers, butwewerelookingforleafy, leafy.
(JoeyturnsandisangrythatChandlerdidn’tcomeupwiththeanswer.)
Monica:That’snotevenagame!
Rachel:What? Shutup! We’rewinning!
Monica:Youwannafinishthisrightnow? Allright, wegetadeckofcards, highcardwins. Whatdoyousay?
Chandler:Fine, let’sdoit.
Phoebe:Oh, Ihavecards!
Joey:Oh.
Monica:Oh, good.
Phoebe:Yeah! Here! (Shegrabsadeckoutofherpurse) Ohno, thesearethetrickdeck. Okay. Hereyes. Okay.
Chandler:Okay, youguysuh, youguyspickfirst
Rachel:Okay.
Monica:Okay. (Shepicksacard.) Four.
Chandler:That’salowone!
Joey:Yeah! Okay. (Joeypicksacard.) Phoebe, youlook, Ican’t.
Phoebe:WhatmakeyouthinkIcan?! (Shieldshereyesfromit.)
Joey:Okay. Okay. (Helooksatthecard.) Ace!
(BothJoeyandChandlerandMonicaandRacheljumpupanddownforjoy.)
Chandler:Whyareyouscreamingandhugging?
Monica:Becausewewonourapartmentback!
Joey:What? Aceishigh! Jack, queen, king, ace!
Monica:No! Aceislow! Ace, two, three, four!
(TheyalllooktoPhoebetosettlethis.)
Phoebe:Idon’tknow. Ooh! Ooh! Lookit! (Shefansoutthetrickdeck.) Ah-ha!
Rachel:Allright, cut, let’spickagain, pickagain.
Joey:Okay.
Rachel:Comeonapartment! Comeonapartment! (Picksacard.) Oh! Iknowqueenishigh!
Joey:Uh-huh, notashighas…(picksacard) Itworked! King!
Chandler:Yeahbaby!
Monica:But, wepickagain! Wepickagain!
Joey:Why?!
Monica:Idon’tknow!
Chandler:Ticketsplease! (Rachelhandsoverthetickets) That’scourtsidebaby!
Joey:Seriously, goodgamethough. Goodgame. (Hetriestocongratulatethem, buttheypullaway.) (ToChandler) Whataretheysomadabout? Theygettheapartmentback!
Chandler:Notheydidn’t!
[Scene:Ross’sapartment, EmilyhaspackedasRossreturns.]
Ross:Hey!
Emily:Ipackedwhileyouweregone. Ileftsomeknickersunderyourpillow.
Ross: (laughs) Moveinwithme.
Emily:What?!
Ross:Don’tbescared, I-Iknowitsoundscrazyand-andpeoplewillsayit’stoosoon, butjust-justthink, thinkhowgreatitwillbe.
Emily:Ohh, no. Ugh. Oh, leavingLondon, mywholefamilylivesthere.
Ross:Iknow.
Emily:Myjob!
Ross:Well, so, you-you’llgetajobhere! Imean, I’malwayshearingaboutuh, themforeignerscominginhereandstealingAmericanjobs; thatcouldbeyou!
Emily:Yeah, butit-it-it’smywholelife—youcometoEngland.
Ross:No, Ican’t. Iwould, Ireallywould, butmysonishere; Ican’tleavehim. Isn’t—youdon’tthinkthere’sanyway?
Emily:Ohh, Idon’tthinkso. Imeanitwouldbedifferentifitwaswayintothefuture –and-and-andweweregettingmarriedorsomething.
Ross:What?
Emily:Ohno, no, rightIshouldn’thavesaidmarried. Uh, pleasedon’tgofreakyonme. Ididn’tmeanit. Well, Ididn’tsayit; Itakeitback!
Ross:No, no, don’t. Whydon’twe?
Emily:Whydon’twewhat?
Ross:Getmarried.
Emily:Youaremad!
Ross:No! No! I’mnot! It’s-it’s-it’sperfect! Imeanit’sbetterthanyoujust-justmovinghere, ‘causeit’sustogetherforever, andthat’s-that’swhatIwant.
Emily:We’veonlyknowneachotherforsixweeks!
Ross:Yeah, Iknow, sowhat? Imean, who’s-who’stosay? Doesthatmewe-wecan’tdoit? Look, huh, IwaswithCarolforfouryearsbeforewegotmarriedandIwoundupdivorcedfromapregnantlesbian. Imean, this, thismakessenseforus. Comeon! Imean, onourfirstdateweendedupspendingthewholeweekendinVermont! Imean, lastnightIgotmyearpierced! Me! Thisfeelsright. Doesn’tit?
Emily:Myparentsaregoingtobereallymad.
Ross:Isthat—areyousayingyes? Isthatyes?
Emily:Yes.
(Theykissandhug.)
Emily:Yes!
Ross:Yes! We’regettingmarried?!
Emily:OhmyGod!
Ross:Yes!
Emily:We’regettingmarried!
Ross:Comehere, comehere. Uh, (Hetakestheearringout.) ow! Emily, willyoumarryme?
Emily:Yes.
(Hetriestoputitonherfinger.)
Emily:Ohh, it’sabitsmall.
Ross:Damn! Ithoughtthatwasgoingtoberomanticashell!
Emily:Itwas.
(Theykiss.)
COMMERCIALBREAK
[Scene:Thehallway, JoeyandChandlerarecomingbackfromthegame.]
Chandler:Thosewerelikethebestseatsever.
Joey:Ohyeah. Hey! Shouldwegivetheseshirtstothegirls? Y’know, kindalikeapeaceoffering.
Chandler:Ohyeah, that’sverynice. Plus, y’knowtheywerefreeandthey’retoosmall.
(Heknocksonthegirls’ doorandwalksin. Surprise! Thegirls, obviouslyusingStarTrektechnology, havecompletelymovedeverythinginbothapartmentsbacktotheiroriginalpositions, allinthetimeittookfortheguystogotoabasketballgame. Wow! Anyhoo, Chandlerisstunned, andJoeydoesn’tevenrealiseit.)
Chandler:Oh. Oh, God! (Hestartsrunningaroundlikeachickenwithhisheadcutoff.)
Joey:Hey, wantabeer? (Handshimabeerandsitsdowninoneofthechairs.) (Jumpingup.) WHOA!!!!
Chandler:IKNOW!!!
(Theybothsprinttowhatusedtobetheirapartment.)
Chandler:Openup! Openup! Openup!
(AveryangryMonicaopensthedoorwiththesecuritychainstillon.)
Monica:We’lldiscussit, inthemorning! (Slamsthedoorshut.)
Chandler:Whatthehellisgoingon?!
(It’sRachel’sturntoopenthedoor.)
Rachel:Wetookourapartmentback!! (Slamsthedoorshut.)
Phoebe: (openingthedoor) Ihadnothingtodowithit. (Closesthedoor.) (Opensthedoor.) Okay, itwasmyidea, butIdon’tfeelgoodaboutit.
(Shegoestoclosethedoor, butChandlerputshisfootitin.)
Chandler:Weareswitchingback, rightnow!
Monica:No, we’renot! We’renotleaving!
Chandler:Well, you’regonnahavetoleavesometime, becauseyoubothhavejobs, andassoonasyoudo, we’reswitchingitback! There’snothingyoucandotostopus! Right, Joe?
Joey:Idon’tknow.
Chandler:What?
Joey:Idon’twanttomoveagain!
Chandler:Idon’tcare, thisisourapartment! Andtheystole—youstoleit—ourapartment, andwewonthatapartmentfairandsquare, twice! AndIamgettingitbackrightnow. I’mgettingbackrightnow!
(Theyopenthedoor.)
Rachel:Allright. Wefiguredyoumightrespondthisway, sowehaveabackupoffer.
Chandler:Ohno-no-no, nomoreoffers. Youcan’tofferanythingtous!
Rachel:Letuskeeptheapartmentand…
Monica:Asathankyou, RachelandIwillkissforoneminute.
[Timelapse. Theguysareenteringtheirapartment.]
Chandler:Totallyworthit!
Joey:Thatwasonegoodminute!
Chandler:Goodnight.
Joey:Goodnight.
(Theybothgobackintotheiroldroomsandshutthedoors. Ofcourse, Chandlerhastoclosebothsectionsofhisdoor.)
[Cuttothegirlsapartment.]
Monica:Menaresuchidiots.
Rachel:Yeah! Canyoubelievethatsomethingthatstupidactuallygotusourapartmentback?
Phoebe:That’ssofunnytothinkifyou’djustdonethatrightafterthelastcontest, noonewouldhavehadtomoveatall.
Monica:Yeah, let-let-let’spretendthat’snottrue.
Rachel:Yeah.
Phoebe:Okay, scarf’sdone. (It’snotreallyascarf, it’sjustabunchofyarnthatPhoebehastiedtogether. Justthen, RossandEmilyenterdraggingwiththemJoeyandChandler.)
Ross:Comeon! Comeon. Comeon.
Chandler:Okay!
Phoebe:Hey!
Ross:Hey!
Monica:What-what’sgoingon?
Joey:Rosshassomebigthingtotelleveryone.
Ross:Uhh, okay, it’suh, EmilyandI, wedecidedtouh, togetmarried.
(Thegangisstunned.)
Phoebe:What? Oh, areyoupregnanttoo?!
Emily:Umm, no.
Monica:When, whendid—how, howdidyou…
Ross:We, wejustdecidedtouh, togoforit.
Emily:Imean, weknowit’sabithastybut, uh, itjustfeelssoright, so…
(Rachelslowlywalksinfromherbedroom. Sheisstunnedspeechless.)
Ross: (turningaround.) Umm, uh, Iwasjusttellingtheguys…
Rachel:Yeah, I-Iheard. (Pause, everyonelooksateachother, waitingforRachel’sreaction.) Ithinkit’sgreat! (HugsRoss.) Ohh, I’msohappyforyou!
(SeeingRachel’sapparentlyokaywiththis, therestofthegangjumpsuptocongratulateRossandEmilyontheirpendingnuptials.)
Chandler:Oh, well, that’sgreat!
Joey:Yeah! Yeah!
Monica: (toRoss) Ican’tbelieveyou’regettingmarried!
Ross:Yeah. (Theyhugagain.)
Joey:MonicaandRachelmadeout. (GiggleslikeaschoolboyandMonicaglaresathim.)
CLOSINGCREDITS
[Scene:Joey’sbedroom, heisawokenbythesingingguy.]
TheSingingMan: (singing) Morning’shere! Themorning’shere!
(Joeyjoinshim.)
Both:Sunshineishere! Theskyisclear, themorning’shere!
TheSingingMan: Hey! You’reback!
Joey:Hey! (Singing) Getintogear!
TheSingingMan: (singing) Breakfastisnear!
Both:Thedarkofnighthasdisappeared!!
TheSingingMan: I’llseeyoutomorrowmorning!
Joey: (happily) Okay!
END