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You'reclosesttothefireandhurtmostoften, eventhoughit'snotaboutyou. Trythesewaystoneutralizetheeffectsofyourpartner'sangeronbothofyou.
YouWillNeed
Listeningskills
Empathy
Achangeinresponse
Rulesofengagement
Relaxationtechniques
Advicefromafriendorprofessional(optional)
Steps
STEP1 Payattentionandlisten
Payattention, listen, andtrytounderstand– butnottoexcuse– yourpartner'sproblem. Learnwhatyoucanaboutthesourceoftheanger. Thiswillalsohelptodefuseanescalation.
STEP2 Changehowyourespond
Askyourselfhowyou'vehandledyourpartner'sangerinthepast. Didyouhide, becomecombative, habituallydeny, orfearfullyrun? Changeyourresponsetointerruptyourpartner'spatterns.
STEP3 Protectyourself
Protectyourself-esteeminallmatters, withoutindulgingtheurgetobedefensiveorretaliatory.
Talktofriendsoratrustedprofessionaltogaugewhetheryouareindanger. Ifyoueverfeelyoursafetyisthreatened, leaveimmediately.
STEP4 Definerulesofengagement
Definerulesofengagement: noharshorinsultingstatements, noblaming, andnodiscussionuntilthepartnercanbecalm.
STEP5 Breathewithoutspeaking
Breatheslowlywithoutsayinganything. Makeeyecontactbutrelax, andremindyourselfthatthisisnotaboutyou.
STEP6 Acknowledgetheiranger
Acknowledgeverballythatyouseetheyareangry, withoutnecessarilyneedingtounderstandoragree. Theyhavearighttotheirfeelings, aslongastheyarenotthreateningyou.
Didyouknow? Forcollegegraduates, thedivorcerateinthefirst10 yearsofmarriagedroppedfrom27 percentofthosemarriedbetween1975 and1979 tojustover16 percentofthosemarriedbetween1990 and1994.
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