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Friends老友记 Episode 803:TheOneWhereRachelTells
[Scene:MonicaandChandler's, MonicaandChandleraregettingreadytogoontheirhoneymoon. Monicaisenteringfromthebedroom.]
Chandler:Hey! Babe! Aren’tyouexcitedwe’regoingonourhoneymoon?
Monica:YeahIam!
Chandler: (singing) Bermuda, Bahama, comeonprettymama…
Monica:That’sright. Getitoutofyoursystemwhilewe’realone.
Joey: (enteringwithPhoebe) Hey!
Phoebe:Yeah! Haveagreathoneymoon!
Chandler:I’dbettergopack.
Monica:Ohno, Ialreadypacked. TheonlythingIcouldn’tfindthoughwasyourSpeedo.
(Joeylooksathim, Phoebetriesnottosmile, andChandlerisshocked.)
Chandler:ASpeedo? Uh, Idon’thaveaSpeedo. I’mgonnagopackmyregularlongbathingsuit. (Goesintothebedroom.)
Rachel: (entering) Ohgoodyou’restillhere!
Monica:Hey!
Rachel:Iwanttotellyoutohaveagoodhoneymoon! (HugsMonica.)
Monica:Thankyou.
Rachel:AndIalsowantedyouguystoknowthatIamtellingthefathertoday. (Theyalllookatherexpectantly) What? What? What?
(Pause.)
Joey:WeknowitsRoss!
Rachel:How?! Howdoyouknow?
Phoebe:Itwashissweater, but—OhmyGod!
Rachel:Oh, IsowantedRosstoknowfirst, butI’msorelievedyouguysknow.
Monica:Thisissogreat! AndI’mgonnabeyourbaby’saunt!
Rachel:Iknow! (Theyhug.)
Phoebe:Metoo! (Joinsthehug.)
Joey:I’mgonnabeanuncle! Comehere! (Hejoinsthehug.)
Rachel: (breakingthehug) You’reallgonnabeauntsanduncles.
Monica:Yeah, butI’mtheonlyonerelatedbyblood.
Rachel:Okay. Great! Sonowthatyouguysallknowyoucanhelpme. GivemesomeadviceonhowI’mgonnatellRoss!
Monica:Well, whatwereyougonnasay?
Rachel:WellIwasgonnatellhimthatI’m-I’mgonnahavethebabyandhecanbeasinvolvedashewants.
Joey:Wellthat, thatsoundsgood.
Rachel:YeahbuthowdoIstart? Imean, what’s-what’sthefirstthingthatIsay? (Theyallpausetothink.) Okaygreat! Thanks. (Shestartstoleave.)
Monica:Hey! Goodluck!
Phoebe:Yeah, bye.
Joey:Bye.
(Rachelexits.)
Chandler: (entering) Hey, whatwasthatallabout?
Monica:WellIguessthereisnoharmintellingyounow, RachelandRossaregonnahaveababy.
Chandler: (inahighpitchedvoice) What?! Ididn’tevenknowthat—Whydidn’tyoutellme?! (Pause) WhyamItalkinglikethis?!
Monica:Ididn’tthinkyoucouldkeepitasecret.
Chandler: (inthehighpitchedvoice) What?! (Normalvoice) Iamanexcellentsecretkeeper. Ihavekeptallofoursecrets.
Joey:Whatsecrets?
Chandler:Ohno-noJoey, IamnotgoingtotellyoubecauseIamanexcellentsecretkeeper.
(Thegirlswalkaway.)
Joey: (whisperingtoChandler) You’lltellmelater?
Chandler:Youalreadyknow.
OpeningCredits
[Scene:JoeyandRachel's, JoeyandPhoebeareentering.]
Phoebe:Oh, it'ssoromantictosendpeopleoffontheirhoneymoon.
Joey:Y’know, MonicaandChandleraremarried. RossandRachelarehavingababy. MaybeyouandIshoulddosomething.
Phoebe:Allingoodtimemylove. Allingoodtime. Ohshoot! Ileftmyguitarintheirapartment. Wellyoucanletmeinlater.
Joey:Idon’thaveakey, theytookminetogivetoyou.
Phoebe:What?! Theytookminetogivetoyou!
Joey:Whywouldtheytakeawayourkeys?
Phoebe:Maybetheydon’ttrustus.
Joey:Nothat’snotit. Theyletmekeepmykeythelasttimetheywereoutoftown.
Phoebe:YoumeanthetimeyoubroketheketchupbottleandcleaneditupwithMonica’sguesttowels?
Joey:Hey, Iwashedthose!
Phoebe:Noyoudidn’t.
Joey:Yeahthatdidn’tsoundlikeme.
Phoebe:Well, whatamIgonnado? Ireallyneedmyguitar!
Joey:Yeah, Ihavestuffintheretoo.
Phoebe:Whatstuff?
Joey:Monica’schickenparm! I’lltakecareofit. (Hepicksupthephone) HeyMr. Treeger, it’sJoeyTribbiani. Listen, IneedtogetintoMonicaandChandler’sapartment. It’sanemergency. (Listens) Uhh, gasleak! Yeahoh, andbringgarlicbread. (Hangsup.)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe:DidRachelfindyou?
Ross:Nowhy?
Phoebe:Ohshewaslookingforyou.
Ross:Ohwell, IguessI’llcatchupwithherlater.
Phoebe:Well, shereallywantedtotalktoyounow.
Joey:Yeah, itseemedprettyimportant.
Ross:Ohno.
Phoebe:What?
Ross:IthinkImightknowwhatthisisabout.
(PhoebeandJoeytradelooks)
Joey:Really?
Ross:Yeah. Uh, uhwepromisedweweren’tgonnatellanybodythisbutuh, aboutamonthagoRachelandIslepttogether.
Phoebe: (deadpan) And?
Ross:Wow! Ithoughtyouwouldbealittlemoreshocked.
Phoebe:Ohsorry. (Shocked) And?!
Ross:Well, we-wesaidwe’djustdoitthatonetimebut, butnowIthinkshemaywannastartthingsupagain.
Joey:Yeah, Idon’tthinkthat’swhatitis.
Ross:Why? What-whatelsecoulditbe?
Joey:Ohwow, Idon’tfeelwell.
Ross:I’mtellingyou. I’mtellingyou. That’swhatitis. Nowondershewaslookingatmeallfunnyduringthewedding. Shedidn’tsayanythingtoyou?
Phoebe: (ToJoey) Maybeit’ssomethingyouate?
Joey:Please, just-just, justgoandtalktoRachel.
Ross:Yeah, IguessIshould. (Startstoleave.) Man, y’knowwhatIhavetorealize? MaybeI’mjustnotthetypeofguywomencanhavejustonenightwith. Y’know, they-theyalwaysseemtowantalittlebitmore. Ishouldrememberthat. (Hepausesandthenexits.)
[Scene:TheAirportTicketCounter, MonicaandChandlerarestandinginlinebehindanothercouplekissingwhoarenextinlinetobeserved.]
TicketAgent:Next?
(Thekissingcoupledoesn’tmove.)
Monica:They’rekissinglet’sjustgoaroundthem.
Chandler:Ohhoney, leavethemalone, they’reinlove.
Monica:I’minlovetoo! Butinanorderlyfashion.
TicketAgent:Next?
Monica: (tothecouple) Hi! Canyoudothatandwalk? ‘Causeshesaid, "Next."
(Thecouplemovesuptothecounter.)
Woman:Sorry. Wedidn’thearyou; we’reonourhoneymoon.
TicketAgent:Oh, letmeseewhatIcando. (Checksthecomputer) Therearesomefirstclassseatsavailable.
Monica: (ToChandler) Didyouhearthat?! Theybumpedthemuptofirstclassbecausetheyareontheirhoneymoon! Comeon! Let’sactlikewe’reonourhoneymoon.
Chandler:Weareonourhoneymoon.
Monica:Grabmyass!
TicketAgent:Next?
(Theygouptothecounter.)
Monica:Hi, sorry. Ialmostdidn’thearyou, becausey’knowI’mjustsoinlovewithmynewhusband. We’reonourhoneymoon.
TicketAgent:Congratulations. Okay, Mr. Bingyou’llbein 25JandMrs. Bingyou’llbein 25K.
Monica:Ohno, youseewe’reonourhoneymoon. Soumm, canyoudoyourlittlethingandbumpusuptofirstclass?
TicketAgent:I’msorry, allourfirstclassseatsaretaken. Thatcouplegotthelasttwo.
Monica:Yousee, ifwe’dgonearoundthemlikeIsaid, we—Shewould’vegivenusthosetickets. Damnit!
Chandler: 25JandK, anychancethosearen’ttogether?
[Scene:JoeyandRachel's, PhoebeandJoeyareplayingRock ‘em, Sock ‘emRobots.]
Joey:Istillcan’tbelievetheytookawaymykey. Youtrustmewithyours.
Phoebe:OfcourseIdo! AndI’mgonnagiveitbacktoyouassoonasthey’redonewithitatthekeyshiningplace.
(Theyhearaknockingsoundcomingfromthehallwayandgotoinvestigate.)
Joey:Whatthehellisthat?
(TheygointothehallwayandseeMr. TreegerwatchingoneofNewYork’sbravestbreakdownMonicaandChandler’sdoorwithanax.]
Joey:Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Treeger, whatareyoudoing?
Mr. Treeger:Yousaidtherewasagasleakinhere.
Phoebe:Wellwhydon’tyouuseyourkey?
Mr. Treeger:BecausebythetimeIfinditonthisthing (Holdsupahugekeyringwithathousandkeysonit), thewholeplacemighthaveexploded. IfthathappensatanotherbuildingthatImanage, peoplearegonnastartaskingquestions. (Tothefireman) Comeon! Hurryup.
(Withafinalswingthedoorgivesway.)
Phoebe:Oh! Wecouldhavedonethat.
[Scene:TheAirport, ChandlerandMonicaarefollowingthepreviouscouplethroughatinyhallwaythatprovesthisisasetonasoundstageandnotanactualairport, andseethementerthefirstclasslounge.]
Monica:Lookatthat! Lookatthat! They’regoingintothefirstclasslounge! Doyouknowwhattheyhaveinthere?
Chandler:No.
Monica:Meneither! Wehavetogetin! (SherunsthroughthedoorwithChandlerintow.)
Chandler:Justactlikeyoubelong.
Monica:OhmyGod! Oranges!
Chandler:Shh! (Totheguybehindthecounter) Nicetoseeyouagain. (Theytriestowalkpasthim.)
AirlineEmployee: Uhsir, mayIseeyourticketsplease?
Chandler:Yes, ofcourse. (Showshimthetickets.)
AirlineEmployee: I’msorry, wouldyoumoveyourthumb? Ican’tseetheseatnumber.
Chandler:Ohthat’sallright, Ihaveitmemorized. It’s 1A.
AirlineEmployee: (grabbingtheticketfromhim) Sir, thisisnotafirstclassticket. I’msorry.
Chandler:Apologyaccepted. Excuseus. (Theytrytoenteragain.)
AirlineEmployee: Sir! I’mafraidI’mgonnahavetoaskyoutoleave.
Monica:Fine. (Startstowalkawaythensherunsoverandgrabsanorangebeforesheexits.) Go! Go! Go!
[Scene:TheHallwayOutsideRoss’sApartment, RossiswalkingtowardshisapartmentandseesRachelsittinginfrontofthedoor.]
Rachel: (seeinghim) Hi!
Ross:Hi.
Rachel:Hi. (Hehelpsherup.) Umm, Ithinkthere’ssomethingthatwereallyneedtotalkabout.
Ross: (quietlyconfident) Ithinkwedo. Whydon’twegoinside? (Theygoinside.) Lookuh, Iknowwhyyou’rehere.
Rachel:Youdo?
Ross:Yeah, andtosaveyoufromanyembarrassmentumm, IthinkmaybeIshouldtalkfirst.
Rachel: (warily) Okay.
Ross:Okay. (Hesitsherdowninachair.) Uh, RossandRachel. RachelandRoss. That’sbeenoneheckofasee-sawhasn’tit?
Rachel: (confused) What?
Ross:Imeanlook, that-thatonenightwehadwasfunand…andcertainlypassionate, butdon’tyouthinkit’sbetterifwejuststayedfriends?
Rachel:Seriously. What?!
Ross:Okay. Okay. Y’knowwhat? Ifyouwantto, wecandoitonemoretime. ImeanI’d-I’dbeokaywiththat. Infact, Ihavesometimerightnow.
Rachel:Okay, y’knowwhat? CanI, canItalknow?
Ross:Ohsure. (Hesitsontheapothecarytableandtouchesherhand.)
Rachel: (toucheshisknee) I’mpregnant. (Rossstops.) Ross? (Rossisstaringoffintospace.) Ross? (Rossisstillfrozen) Okay, wheneveryou’reready. (Sitsbackandopenshermagazine.) Andyou’rethefatherbytheway—butyougotthat…
CommercialBreak
[Scene:Ross'sApartment, continuedfromearlier.]
Rachel: (closeshermagazine) CanIgetyousomewater?
Ross:I’mgood. I’mgood.
Rachel:Ross, thereisnopressureonyou. Okay? Imeanyoucanasinvolvedasyouwant. (Rossnods.)
Ross:Yeah, Ineeduh… I’mjust—Idon’tknow—Idon’tunderstand, umm, howthishappened? We-weusedacondom.
Rachel:Iknow. Iknow, buty’knowcondomsonlyworklike 97% ofthetime.
Ross:What? What? What?!! Welltheyshouldputthatonthebox!!!
Rachel:Theydo!
Ross:Notheydon’t!!! (Herunstothebedroomtocheckandreturnswithhisboxofcondoms.) Welltheyshouldputitinhugeblackletters!!!!
Rachel:OkayRosscomeonlet’sjustforgetaboutthecondoms.
Ross:OhwellImayaswellhave!
Rachel:Listen, y’knowwhat? IwasreallyfreakedouttoowhenIfoundout…
Ross:Freakedout? Heyno, I’mnotfreakedout! I’mindignant! Asaconsumer!
Rachel:Y’knowwhat? Let’s, let’stalklater.
Ross:No! No! Iwanttotalknow! Okay? I—Infact, (picksupthephone) Iamgoingtotalktothepresidentofthecondomcompany!
Rachel:Okay, y’knowmaybeIshouldcomeback… (Startstoleave.)
Ross: (grabsher) Shh! Shh! Shh!
Rachel: (stops) Okay.
Ross: (onphone) YeahI’llpress 1! (PressesonewhichallowsRacheltoescape.)
[Scene:MonicaandChandler's, Mr. TreegerhasfinishedinspectingMonicaandChandler’sapartment.]
Mr. Treeger:I’velookedeverywhere. There’snogasleak.
Joey: (eating) Huh. SothenIcanheatthisup? (Goesanddoesso.)
Mr. Treeger:Anywayuh, I’llgetmovingonthatnewdoor.
Phoebe:Ohgreat! Andlisten, couldyoudousafavorandnottellChandlerandMonicaaboutthis? ‘Causey’knowumm, theydon’t-theydon’thaveanykidsoftheirownand-andthisdoorwaslikeachildtothem.
Mr. Treeger:WellI’mgonnahavetoputonanewlock, they’llfindoutanyway.
Phoebe:Ohno.
Mr. Treeger: (measuresthetopofthedoorframe) Whoa! Thislookslikeanalldayjob, I’llhavetocancelmyyogaclass. (Rosswalksup.) HeyRoss!
Ross:Hi.
Mr. Treeger:CouldyoutellJasminethatIwon'tmakeittoyogaclasstoday?
Ross:Sure.
Mr. Treeger:Namaste. (Bows.)
Ross:Namaste. (Bows.)
(TreegerleavesandRossnoticesthedoor.)
Ross:OhmyGod! Whathappenedtothedoor?!
Joey:Soit’snoticeablehuh?
Ross:Look, isRachelhere? Ireallyneedtotalktoher.
Phoebe:Didn’tyoutwoalreadytalk?
Ross:Yeahbutuh… Okay, okaylookyouguysknowthatRachelandIslepttogether, butthere’ssomethingelse. (Pause) Rachel’spregnant.
Joey: (simultaneously) OhmyGod!!! Ican’tbelievethat!!
Phoebe: (simultaneously) HolymotherofGod!!!
Ross:Withmychild.
Phoebe:Thatisbrandnewinformation!!
Ross:Youalreadyknowdon’tyou?
Phoebe:Alittlebit.
Joey:Howareyoudoing?
Ross:Okay. Okay. ImeanI’llbeokay. It’sjustIdon’tthinkIhandleditverywell.
Joey:Well, whatdidyousaytoher?
Ross:Nothing. Butthecomplaintdepartmentatthecondomcompanygotanearful. AndthenwhenIturnedaroundshewasgone.
Phoebe:OhRoss.
Ross:Buthey, inmydefenseI-Ijustfoundoutcondomsarelikeonly 97% effective.
Joey: (shocked) What?
Ross:Igottagofindher.
Joey:Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Holdup! Areyouserious?! Solike 3% ofthetimetheydon’tevenwork?! Huh? Theyshouldputthatonthebox!
Ross:Evidentlytheydo.
Joey:What?! (Grabshiscondomsfromhispocketandlooks.)
[Scene:TheAtlantisResort, ChandlerandMonicaarearrivingtocheckin, butarebehindthecouplefrombeforeagain.]
Monica:Ican’tbelievewe’rehere.
Chandler:Ohyou’vegottobekiddingme.
Monica:What? (Monicaseesthefirstcoupleandgasps.)
FrontDeskClerk: Asaweddinggifttoyou, thehotelwouldliketogiveyouthehoneymoonsuite.
Monica:No!! Youhavebeenscrewingusallday!
Man:Whoareyou?
Chandler:We’reyoujusttensecondslater!
Monica:Yeah! Youalreadygotthefirstclasstickets; yougotthelounge! Imeanweshouldgetfreestufftoo! Imeanyou’renottheonlyonesonyourhoneymoon!
Woman:Wellyoucanhavethesuiteifyouwant. Wedon’tcareaboutwherewestay. We’reheretocelebrateourlovetogether. Wedon’thavetogetfreestuff. Wejustwanttobetogether.
Chandler: (looksatMonicathenatthem) Weneedthestuff.
[Scene:MonicaandChandler's, JoeyisonthephoneandPhoebeiswatchinghim.]
Joey:HeyMonicait’sJoey. Listenuh, PhoebeandIsmellgascomin’ fromyourapartment.
Monica:What? Areyouserious?! (ToChandler) Joeysmellsgas!
Chandler:Whatelseisnew?
Joey:Yeahandwe’dgocheckitout, butyoutookawayourkeys.
Monica:Welldosomething! Getinthere!
Joey:How? IguessIcouldbreakdownyourdoor.
Monica:Yeah! Dothat!
Joey:And-andyouwon’tblameusforanydamage? (GivesPhoebeathumbsup.)
Monica:No! (Pause) Areyoudoingit?! Idon’thearanything! Comeon!
Joey:Uh, okayI’ll-I’ll-I’llbreakitdown. (HehandsthephonetoPhoebe, getsup, picksupachair, andstartsbangingitonthefloor.)
Phoebe:Ohheyhi, he’sdoingit. He’sbreakingdownthedoor. (Thechairbreaksinhalf.) Okay, we’rein. (Shehangsupthephone.)
[Scene:Adoctor’soffice, Rachelisonanexaminingtablewithherlegsinthestirrups.]
Nurse:OkayRachel, areyoucomfortable?
Rachel: (sighs) IfIsaidIwas, wouldyoujudgeme?
Nurse:Thedoctorwillbehereinaminutetodoyoursonogram.
Rachel:Okay. (Thenurseexits.) Ohman, IsweariftheysoldtheseatPotteryBarn…
(There’saknockonthedoorandRossenters.)
Ross:Hi!
Rachel: (shocked) Hi!
Ross:Uhwe-weneedtotalk.
Rachel:Uh-uh-uh, rightnow? BecauseI’vekindagotanelfrescosituationgoingonoverhere.
Ross:Please, pleaseIwanttoapologizeforthewayIactedearliertoday.
Rachel:OkayRossthat’sfine, butcanyoupleasestandnearmyhead?
Ross:What? Ohyeah. (Hemovesnexttoherhead.) I’msorry. ImeanI-IthinkIwentalittlecrazy. ImeanIwasthinkingaboutmyselfwhenI (WanderstowardsRachel’sfeet) really—IshouldhavebeenthinkingaboutyouRach…
Rachel:Okay. HeadRoss! HeadRoss! HeadRoss!
Ross:Right! Right! Ijust—IwantyoutoknowthatI’mgoingtobetherethroughthiswholething, okay? Okay? Thedoctor’sappointments, theuh, theLamazeclasses, uhbaby-proofingtheapartment—Althoughwecouldprobablyworryaboutthat ‘tilafterwegetmarried.
Rachel:Whatmarried?
Ross:Wellyeah, Ithinkweshouldgetmarried.
Rachel:What, becausethat’syouranswertoeverything?
Ross:No, becausethat’stherightthingtodo.
Rachel:Yeah, maybeifyou’reinlove. ButRoss, wearenotinlove, arewe?
Ross:Nobut…butstillyoucan’tpossiblydothisalone.
Rachel:Excuseme?
Ross:ComeonRach, youcan’teveneataloneinarestaurant.
Rachel:What?!
Ross:I’mjustsayingifyoucan’teatbyyourself, howdoyouexpecttohaveababybyyourself?
Rachel:Icantooeatbymyself!
Ross:Whenhaveyouever?
Rachel:WhencertainpeopleleavethetableandIamnotfinished!
Ross:Wellcertainotherpeopletaketwohourstoeatabowlofsoup!
Rachel:Ohplease, youinhaleyourfood!
Ross:IgrewupwithMonica! Ifyoudidn’teatfastyoudidn’teat!!
Dr. Long: (entering) AmIinterrupting?
Rachel:OhnoDr. Long, pleasecomein. ThisisRoss, heisthefather.
Ross:Butnotthehusband, becauseevidentlyshecandothisalone.
Dr. Long:Huh. Nicetomeetyou. I’llgetstartedonthis.
Ross: (ToRachel, standingbyherfeet) Idon’tknowwhyyoucan’tadmitthatyouneedme.
Rachel:Idoneedyou! Ineedyoutostandnearmyhead!
Dr. Long:Okay, everythinglooksgood. Hereitisonthescreen. (WeseeRossandRachellookingatthescreen.) Hereisyouruterus. Andrighthereisyourbaby.
Ross:OhmyGod.
Rachel:Wow. Thereitis, Iseeit.
Dr. Long:Congratulations. I’llgiveyoutwoaminute.
Rachel:Okay.
Ross:Thankyou.
(Dr. LongexitsandRachelstartstocry.)
Ross:Prettyamazinghuh?
Rachel:Idon’tseeit!
Ross:What? What?!
Rachel:Ican’tseeit!
Ross:You-youjustsaidthatyoudid!
Rachel:Iknow, Ilied! Ididn’twanthertothinkIwasaterriblemother! Ican’tevenseemyownbaby!
Ross:Ohsure, comehere! (Sitsherup) Sureyoucan! Uh, lookcomeherelook, (rollsthemachinecloser) it’s-it’s-it’s, it’srightthere (Points).
Rachel:Oh. Oh, it’sbeautiful. Iseeitnow.
Ross:Doyoureally?
Rachel:No, Idon’tseeit!
Ross:Comeon! Comeon! Here, okay-okay, youseethis? (Points) Thistinythingthatlookslikeapeanut?
Rachel:Yeah.
Ross:Sweetiethat’sit.
Rachel:That’sit? WellIsawthat! Ohh-ohh-oh, thankyou.
Ross:You’rewelcome.
Rachel:Wow! Ican’tbelievethat’sourbaby.
Ross:Yeah, that’sourbaby.
ClosingCredits
[Scene:JoeyandRachel's, JoeyandPhoebearethereasRachelandRossreturnfromthedoctor’sappointment.]
Rachel:Hi.
Joey:Hey!
Phoebe:Hey! Sohowwasthedoctor?
Rachel:Oh, everythingwentgreat.
Phoebe:Good.
Ross:Ohhey, showthemthepictureofyouruterus.
(Shedoesso.)
Phoebe:Oh.
Joey:Idon’tseethebaby. Whereisit?
Rachel:Ohno, IknowIcouldn’tseeiteitheratfirst, butit’srightumm… (Startstocry) Ross, Ilostitagain.
Ross:Oh. (Hetakesthepictureandhugsher.
End