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Friends老友记 Episode 807:TheOneWithTheStain
[Scene:MonicaandChandler's, ChandlerissittinginthelivingroomasMonicaenters.]
Monica:Hey.
Chandler:Hey.
(Monicanoticessomething.)
Monica:OhmyGod! Youcleaned! (Gasps) Lookatthesefloors! Youdidthewindows! Oh, Ihavebeenbeggingyouformonthsandyoudid! Youcleaned! Andnaggingworks!
Chandler:Y’knowuh, Ididn’tactuallydothis.
Monica:Ohno, wasIcleaninginmysleepagain?
Chandler:No, itwasn’tyou.
Monica:Wellthenwho?
Chandler:Igotamaid. Yay!
Monica: (shocked) Ihopebymaidyoumeanmistress, becauseifsomeotherwomanwasherecleaningthen…
Chandler:Uhhoney, Iknowyoudon’tliketorelinquishcontrol…
Monica:Oh, relinquishisjustafancywordforlose!
Chandler:Look, she’sreallynice. Okay? Andshementionedthatsheadoredthewaythatyouarrangedthesponges.
Monica:Didshereallysaythat?
Chandler:Yes, Idistinctlyremember ‘causeIthoughtitwasajoke. Nowjustgiveherachance, okay?
Monica:Fine, Icandoit. (Getsanxious.) Whew.
Chandler:What’sthematter?
Monica:Well, usuallywhenI’mthisanxious, Iclean!
OpeningCredits
[Scene:CentralPerk, Ross, Rachel, andPhoebearethereassomeone’scellphonestartstoringwithoneofthosefancyringtones.]
Phoebe: (lookingaround) Who’scellphoneisthat? It’sjustsoannoying; everywhereyougo.
Ross:Ithinkit’scomingfromyourbag.
Phoebe: (checks) Inevergetcalls!! (Answersthephone) Hello?
Eric:Hi, it’sEric. FromtheHalloweenparty, Ursula’sfiancée.
Phoebe:OhmyGodErichi! Wait, how’dyougetthisnumber?
Eric:Oh, Ihaveafriendwho’sacopandhegotitforme.
Phoebe:Wow! Whatanincredibleviolation—andwonderfulsurprise.
Eric:Uhlisten, Ijust—IthoughtyoushouldknowIbrokeupwithUrsula.
Phoebe:Ohyoudid? (ToRachel) Hedidit! Hedidit!
Rachel:Wow! Whatdidhedo?
Phoebe:Shhh! I’mtalking.
Eric:Anyway, Iwaswonderingif, youwerethesortofpersonwho…eatslunch.
Phoebe:Areyouaskingmeout? ‘Causeitwouldbekindaweirdsinceyoujustbrokeupwithmysister.
Eric:Yeahuh…okay. I’m-I’msorry. Bye.
Phoebe:No! Wait! Iwasjustsayingthatsoyou’dthinkIwasagoodperson. Fightforme.
Eric:Uhh, Iwon’ttakenoforananswer.
Phoebe:Notgreat, butwecanworkonitatlunch. Okay, Icanbeatyourapartmentintwohours.
Eric:Great! Butwh-wh—HowdoyouknowwhereIlive?
Phoebe:I’vegotfriendstoo. Okay, bye.
Eric:Bye.
(Shehangsup.)
Phoebe:OhmyGod! I’mgoingoutwithEric! Ooh, thisdayisreallygonnabesomuchbetterthanIthoughtitwasgonnabe. OhRoss, Ican’tmakelunch. (Exits.)
Ross:SoapparentlyI’mavailableforlunch.
Rachel:Ican’t. I’mbusy. I’mapartmenthunting.
Ross:You’removing?
Rachel:Yeah, Ican’tlivewithJoeyoncethebabycomes. Idon’twantmychild’sfirstwordstobe, (inababy’svoice) "Howyoudoin’?"
Ross:Sodoes-doesJoeyknowyou’removing?
Rachel:Well, Ihaven’tdiscusseditwithhimyet, butIknowhe’sgonnaberelieved. Lastweek, hebroughtthisgirloverandIstartedtalkingtoheraboutmorningsicknessandthenIshowedherpicturesfrommypregnancybook.
Ross:That’snotreallyporn.
Rachel:Notsomuch.
Ross:Hey, y’knowwhatandifyou’relookingforaplace? Ijustheardintheelevatorthismorningthatawomaninmybuildingdied.
Rachel:OhmyGod! Wassheold? Doesshehaveaview?
Ross:WellIdon’tknow, buthow-howgreatwouldthatbehuh? Youlivinginmybuilding. Icouldhelptakecareofthebaby. IcancomeoverwheneverIwant. (Rachellooksathim.) Withyourpermission.
Rachel:Yeahthatwouldreallybegreat.
Ross:Yeah.
Rachel:Wellcanweseeit?! Ohmaybeweshouldn’t. Imeanifshejustdiedthismorningoutofrespect.
Ross:Yeah. No. Noyou’reright.
(Pauseastheybothtakeanothersipofcoffee.)
Rachel:Shallwe?
Ross:Yeah.
(Theybothexit.)
[Scene:Ross’sBuilding, theyareapproachingtheapartmentofthewomanwhodied. Rossknocksonthedoorandawomananswersit.]
Mrs. Verhoeven'sDaughter: Yes?
Ross:Hi. I’mRossGeller. Iliveinthebuilding.
Rachel:AndI’mRachel, anadmirerofthebuilding.
Ross:I-IheardaboutMrs. VerhoevenpassingawayandI’msosorryforyourloss.
Mrs. Verhoeven'sDaughter: Shedidn’tpass.
Ross:What?
Mrs. Verhoeven'sDaughter: Mymother’sstillalive.
Ross:Oh, thankGod!
Mrs. Verhoeven'sDaughter: Itlookedlikeweweregonnaloseherthismorning, butshe’satougholdbird.
Rachel:Ahh.
Mrs. Verhoeven'sDaughter: Areyouclosewithher?
Ross:Ofcourse! Uhyeah, sheandIwouldtalkallthetimein-in (Rachelpokesherheadinandstartstolookaround) thelaundryroom. (PushesRacheloutoftheway.)
Mrs. Verhoeven'sDaughter: YouspeakDutch? (InDutch) Zeervereerdeenvriendvanmijnmoederteontmoeten. (Translation: I’mveryhonoredtomeetafriendofmymother.)
Ross:Y’knowIwouldit’sjustpainful.
Rachel:Soshe’sreallynotdead.
Mrs. Verhoeven'sDaughter: No, she’shanginginthere.
Rachel:Hmm. Doyouthink—Couldyoutellmeifshe’shangingin, inaonebedroomoratwo?
[Scene:MonicaandChandler's, Monicaisobservingthenewmaid, Brenda, clean.]
Brenda:Mrs. Bing, thistilecleanerisincredible! Where’dyougetit?
Monica:Ohwellumm, Imakeitmyself! It’stwopartsammoniaandonepartlemonjuice. Andnowthesecretingredientis…y’knowwhat? Wejustmet.
Brenda:Okay. Uhh, I’mgonnagogettheclothesfromthelaundryroomnow. And, whenIcomebackI’llcleanbehindtherefrigerator.
Monica: (ToChandler) Iloveher.
Brenda:I’llbebackinaminute.
Monica:Okay. (AsBrendaexitsMonicanoticessomething.)
Chandler:See? Itoldyou.
Monica:Shestolemyjeans!
Chandler: (pause) What?
Monica:Ihavebeenlookingforthemallweekandsheiswearingthem!
Chandler:Soshestoleyourpantsandthenshecamebackandworetheminfrontofyou?
Monica:Don’tyousee? It’stheperfectcrime!
Chandler:Shemust’vebeenplanningthisforyears!
Monica:Iwillproveittoyou! Okay? AboutaweekagoIwaswearingthosejeansandIdroppedapeninmylapanditleftaninkstainonthecrotch. NowwhenshecomesbackIwillfinditandshowyouthatstain!
Chandler:Honey, isn’titpossiblethatthecompanythatsoldthejeansmademorethanjusttheonepair?
Monica:Iguess.
Chandler:So, shouldn’twegogiveherthebenefitofthedoubtbeforewego…snoopingaroundhercrotch?
Monica:Fine. I’mjustgladIdidn’tgivehermysecretingredient.
Chandler:Outofcuriosity, whatisyoursecretingredient?
Monica:Yeah! (Laughs.)
[Scene:Eric’sApartment, he’sopeningthedoortorevealPhoebe.]
Phoebe:Hi!
Eric:Comein, I’msogladyou’rehere.
Phoebe:Yeah, metoo. Notintheshakyangrywayyouarethough.
Eric:Sorry, IjustsawUrsula. Ihadtogivetheengagementringback.
Phoebe:Oh.
Eric:Justseeingherbroughtitallback. Allthelies, thewaysheusedme. Ijust…Igotsoangryjustlookingather…(LooksatPhoebe)…face.
Phoebe:Yeah. (Coversherfacewithherhand.) Yeah.
Eric:I’msorry. Ijust…whenIlookatyouIseeher. WhenIseeherIgetalittlebitangry.
Phoebe:Maybethisistooweird.
Eric:Nowait! There’sonlyaproblemwhenIlookatyou. (Sitsdownonthecouch.) OhIgotit! Igotit. (Putshishandstohiseyes.)
Phoebe:Nodon’ttearoutyoureyes!!
Eric:Iwasjust, Iwasjustgonnatakeoutmylenses.
Phoebe:Oh, yeahtrythat. (Hefinishesandlooksather.) So, isthatbetter?
Eric:Notreally. You…you’reblurry, butyoustilllooklikeUrsula. You’reBlursula. Okaywait. Maybe…IfI-ifIjustdon’tlookatyouforawhile. (Standsupandturnshisbacktoher.) See? It…itworks. I’mnot, I’mnotangryatallanymore! Thisisagreatdate!
Phoebe:LookEric, turnaround. (Hedoesso.) Look, Ilikeyou, butitshouldn’tbethishard. Y’know? Thisisourfirstdatey’know? Firstdatesaresupposedtobeaboutexcitementandelectricityand ‘Ooh, hejusttouchedmyhand, didhemeantotouchmyhand?’ andy’knowfirstkissesand…(Hekissesher)…secondkisses. (Motionsforhimtokissheragainwhichhedoesandtheystarttomakeout.)
[Scene:CentralPerk, RossisreadingsomebookandGuntherserveshimacupofcoffee.]
Ross:Thanksforthecoffee, orbedanktvoordekoffie, Gunter. (HetranslatesthatphraseintoDutch.)
Gunther:JijspreektNederlands? Datistegek. Hebjefamiliedaar? (Translation: YouspeakDutchThat'scool. Doyouhaverelativesthere?)
Ross:Yeah, we’redone.
Gunther:Ezel. (Translation: Donkey)
Ross:Ezel? Ezel? Ezel? (Looksitupinhisbook.)
Joey: (entering) HeyRoss! Listen, doyouwanttogoseethatnewImaxmovieontidepools?
Ross:Really?!
Joey: (laughs) No. ButIgotKnicksticketsforyou, me, andChandler.
Ross:Sweet!
Joey:Allright, wellfinishyourcoffee; let’sgo.
Ross:OkayI-Ijusthavetostopbymyplacefirst.
Joey:Totapethegame? YoudothiseverytimeRoss, you’renotgonnabeonTV!
Ross:No-no, I-Ihavetoseeifthisapartmentbecameavailable.
Joey:Oh, you’reswitchingapartments?
Ross:It’snotforme, it’sforRachel.
Joey:ButRachelhasanapartment.
Ross:Yeah, butwhenthebabycomesshe’sgonnawanttomove.
Joey:Sheis?
Ross:Yeah, youdidn’texpecthertolivetherewithababydidyou?
Joey:IguessIdidn’treallythinkaboutit.
Ross: (findsthewordinthebook) Ezel! (Readsthetranslation.) HeyGunther! You’reanezel!
Gunther:Jijhebtseksmetezels. (Translation: Youhavesexwithdonkeys.)
Ross:Damnit!
[Scene:MonicaandChandler's, BrendaissweepingandMonicaissittingatthekitchentable.]
Monica:Nicejeans!
Brenda:Ohthanks! Ilikeyourtop.
Monica:Oh. (Holdsontoit.) (Toherself) You’renotgettin’ it.
(BrendabendsdowntousethedustpanandMonicaleansovertolookforthestain, butleanssofarovershefallsoutofthechair.)
Brenda:Whathappened?!
Monica:Oh, Ifellasleep.
Brenda:Iwasthinkingabouttakingmylunchbreak.
Monica:Oh, willyoudothetopofthecabinets? That’llreallyworkupyourappetiteforlunch.
Brenda:Allright.
(Brendapullsachairtothecounterandusesittogetuponthecounterinordertocleanthetopofthecabinets. Monicasneaksover, bendsover, andtriestoseethestain. Thatdoesn’tworksoshesticksherheadbetweenBrenda’slegs. SuddenlyBrendachangesherstanceandtrapsMonica’sheadbetweenherlegs.)
Monica:Hello.
Brenda:What’sgoingon?!
Monica:I’msorry. I’veneverhadamaidbefore, isthisnotokay?
CommercialBreak
[Scene:JoeyandRachel's, RacheliseatingpizzaasJoeyreturnsfromtheKnicksgame.]
Rachel:Hey!
Joey:Hey!
Rachel:Howwasthegame?
Joey:Oh, okay. I…Iatewaytoomuch.
Rachel:Oh.
Joey:Ooh. (Noticesthepizza, grabsaslice, andtakesabite.) Soumm, Iwastalkin’ toRossandhesaidyouwerelookingforanewplace.
Rachel:Ohyeah! HopefullyacrossthestreetifcertainDutchpeoplewouldjustletgo.
Joey:Iwaskindahopingyou’dstay.
Rachel:OhbutJoey, Ihavetogo. There’snoroomforababyhere.
Joey:Noroom? It’sababy. It’slikethisbig. (Holdshishandsaboutafootapart.) Y’know, Imeanyou-youcouldyoucouldputitoverhere. (Adesk.) Or-or-orwecouldputitrighthere. (Thechair.) Aw, it’scute, right? Or-orwecouldputitoverhere. (Bythebathroomdoor.) Youwouldn’tevennoticeit. Where’sthebaby? (Mumblesthatit’soverinthecorner.)
Rachel:Honey, it’snotjustamatterofwhereyouputit. Imeanababychangeseverything. Theycryallthetime. Imeanimaginebringinghomesomegirlandtryingtoscorewhenthere’sascreamingbabyaround.
Joey:Icoulduseachallenge! It’sgettingprettyeasy.
Rachel:Honey, it’ssosweetthatyouwantmetostay, butI-Ican’tdothattoyou. Imeanitwoulddisruptyourentirelife.
Joey:Ilovelivingwithyousomuch. Ijustwishthingsdidn’thavetochange.
Rachel:Iknow.
Joey:Y’knowIblameRossforthis.
Rachel:Idotooalittlebit.
Joey:I’mgonnamissyou, you’rethehottestroommateIeverhad.
[Scene:Eric’sApartment, heandPhoebearestillmakingout.]
Phoebe:Ooh, ohno! Ihavetogo! Ihaveamassageappointment.
Eric:Ohno, stayherewe’llkeepdoingthis. I’llpayyou.
Phoebe:No, Igotintroubleforthatbefore. I’llseeyoulater.
Eric:Absolutely. (TheykissandPhoebeheadsforthedoor.) Ilovethewayyoukiss.
Phoebe:Really? That’sthethingI’mworseat! You’llsee. (Exits.)
[Scene:MonicaandChandler's, BrendaisshakingouttherugsonthebalconyasMonicapoutsinthelivingroom.]
Chandler: (entering) Hi!
Monica:Hey! Umm, IthinkBrendaneedsaraise.
Chandler:Howcome?
Monica:BecauseIputmyheadbetweenherlegs.
Chandler:Toseeherpants?
Monica:They’remypants!
Chandler:Areyousure? Didyouseethestain?
Monica:No! Iwasjustgettingintopositionandtheneverythingwentdark.
Chandler:God! Sheisnotstealingfromus! Okay, willyouletthisgo?
Monica:Fine. (Brendacomesintousethebathroomandadjustsherpinkbrastrapontheway.) She’swearingmybra!
Chandler:OhdearGod!
Monica:Mypinkfloweredbra! Irecognizethestrap!
Chandler:Andyetyoudon’trecognizethatyou’recrazy.
Monica:Here’stheplan! Okay? I’mgoingtoleaveyougetalookatBrenda’sbra!
Chandler:Here’sanotherplan…No!
Monica:IwoulddoitbutshethinksI’mattractedtoher!
Chandler:Why?
Monica:Didyounothearwheremyheadwas? Comeon! Comeonwe’reateam! We’reinthistogether!
Chandler:Ifearajurywillseeitthesameway!
Monica:Dothisforme! Comeon, Icatchyoulookingatwoman’sbreastsallthetime!
Chandler:Youseethat?
Monica:Doyouseethis? (Mimicshimdroolingoverawoman’sbreasts.)
Chandler:Allright. Yes. Okay. Igetyourpoint. Butifit’snotyourbrawillyoujustletthewomancleantheapartment?!
Monica:Yes! Absolutely. Okay? Look, you’llknowit’sminebecauseontherightcup, thelaceypart, there’saverynoticeablerip.
Chandler:Youneednewclothes.
[Scene:Mrs. Verhoeven’sApartment, RossisbacktoinquireabouttheelderVerhoeven’shealthorlackthereof.]
Ross:Hi. Howisshe?
Mrs. Verhoeven'sDaughter: It’snotlookinggood.
Ross: (happily) Oh. (Realizesthensadly) Oh. WellIuh, Ibroughthersomebloemen. (FlowersinDutch.)
Mrs. Verhoeven'sDaughter: That’ssosweet. (Takestheflowers.) Wouldyouliketocomeinandsaygood-bye? I’msureitwouldmeanalottoher.
Ross:OhIdon’tknowthatitwould.
Mrs. Verhoeven'sDaughter: Well, hermemoryisprettymuchgone.
Ross:Allrightthen. (Followsherinandcheckstheplaceout.)
[Scene:Eric’sApartment, he’srestingonthebedasPhoebeenters.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Eric:Welcomeback!
Phoebe:Hey! (Jumpsonthebedwithhim.) Canwepickupwhereweleftoff?
Eric:Idon’tknow, I’mstillprettytiredoutfromthisafternoon.
Phoebe:Why?
Eric:Uh, thesex.
Phoebe:Whatsex?
Eric:Oursex.
Phoebe:Wedidn’thavesex.
Eric:WellifIdidn’thavesexwithyou, Ihadsexwithsomeonethatlookedanawfullotlike…
Phoebe: (simultaneouslyasEric) Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Eric: (simultaneouslyasPhoebe) Ohno! Ohno! Ohno! Ohno! No! No! No!
Phoebe:You-you…youhadsexwithUrsula?!
Eric:Uh, alittlebit. She-she-shewalkedinandIthoughtshewasyouandIkissedherand…
Phoebe:Youdidn’tnoticeshewaswearingdifferentclothes?!
Eric:WellIwasjustsoexcitedtoseeyou.
Phoebe:Oh. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugh! Y’knowwhat? Thisistooweird.
Eric:No-noit’snot! Idon’twanttoloseyou! It’s-it’slikeIwassayingtoUrsulawhenIwasmakinglovetoherandIthoughtshewasyou—Yeahitistooweird.
Phoebe:SoIguessthisisit.
Eric:Yeah. (Theyhug.) Maybeit’sforthebest. Yousmelljustlikeher.
Phoebe:Yeah, sodoyou.
[Scene:MonicaandChandler's, BrendaiswipingthecoffeetableandChandleristryingtolookatherbraandleansoveronthecoffeetabletogetagoodlook.]
Brenda: (noticinghim) Whatareyoudoing?
Chandler:I’mleaning. ThisiswhereIlean.
Brenda:Okay. (Goesoverandfluffsupthepillowsonthecouch.
Chandler:Brendaabee!
Brenda:What?
Chandler:Yes! It’sflownintoyourblouseandyou’dbetterundoyourbuttonslestitstingyou!
Brenda:IthinkIknowwhat’sgoingonhere.
Chandler:Youdo?
Brenda:Look, Iknowitmustbehardthatyourwifeisalesbian, butit’swrong. You’remarried.
Chandler:Itotallyunderstand. (Theybothlaugh.) CanIjustseeyourbra?
[Scene:TheHallway, MonicaissittingonthestepasRachelreturns.]
Rachel:Hi!
Monica: (lookingatRachel’sjeans) Wheredidyougetthosejeans?!
Rachel:Yougavethemtome!
Monica:NoIdidn’t!
Rachel:Allright, Itookthem. ButIfigureditwouldbeokaybecauseyougotabiginkstainonthecrotch.
Monica:Ohno! Didyoutakemybratoo?!
Rachel:Whatbra?
Monica:Thepinkonewiththeflowers?!
Rachel:Youmeantheonethatyou’rewearing? (AdjustsMonica’spinkbrastrapasMonicalooksdownhershirt.)
Brenda: (entering) Iquit! (Stormsoff.)
Monica:Soundsaboutright.
[Scene:JoeyandRachel's, RachelentersandnoticesthatJoeyhassetupaspaceforthebabywherethecouchwas, completewithacrib.]
Rachel:Whatisthis?
Joey:Hey! Uh, thisisjusttogiveyouanidea. Okaywell, wecanputscreenshere, (Infrontofthecrib.) sothatthebabyhasprivacy, and-and-andmaybeamobileoverthecrib. Anduh—Ohlook! Here’sababymonitor (Holdsitup), whichuntilthebabycomeswecanuseaswalkie-talkies. Huh?
Rachel:You’resosweet. (Noticessomethinginthecrib.) OhmyGod! AndyougavethebabyHugsy! (Astuffedpenguinwearingaskijacket, goggles, andhat.)
Joey:Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…. That-that-that’sreallyjusttoshowwherethebabywouldgo. Y’knowwhydon’tIholdontohimsothatthere’snoconfusion? (Takeshimback, setshimonthechair, andapologizestohim.)
Rachel:ButJoeythebabyisgoingtobecrying, it’sgoingtobeloud.
Joey:I’mloud!
Rachel:It’sgonnabeupallnight!
Joey:I’mupallnight!
Rachel:It’sgonnapoop!
Joey:Hello!
Rachel:Whataboutallthewomenyouwanttobringhome?
Joey:Look, ifI’mbringinghomeawomanwhocan’tstandbeingaroundababy, thenmaybeIdon’twanttobewiththatwoman! Ormaybewe’lljustdoitinthebathroomoftheclub!
Rachel:Joey, areyousure?
Joey:Yeah! Allright—Look, Iknowsometimesit’llbehard, okay? But, it’llalsobereally…reallygreat. PleaseRachel! I-I-Ireallywantyoutostay.
Rachel:Iwantmetostaytoo.
Joey:Ohh!
Rachel:Thankyou. (Theyhug.) OhJoeyandlookatthiscrib! It’ssocute!
Joey:Iknow! Ifounditonthestreet.
Rachel:Areyouserious—Really?! It’sinsuchgoodcondition.
Joey:Yeah.
Rachel:Wow! Whoa-whoawhat’sunderthecovers?
Joey:Idon’tknow.
Rachel:It’smoving.
Joey:Ew.
Rachel:It’sstill—(Screams)—It’sgotatail! Getitoutofhere! Getitoutofhere!!
Joey:Ooh! Ah! Okay! (Quicklydragsthecriboutside.)
DedicatedtotheMemoryofPearlHarmon
ClosingCredits
[Scene:JoeyandRachel's, JoeyandRachelaretoastingherstayingput.]
Ross:Well, theoldladydied. AndhowdoIknow? Herdyingwishwasforonelastkiss. ButIdon’tcare, (ToRachel) becauseyougottheapartment. Yes!
Rachel:Ewww. Yeah. Umm. IthinkI’mgonnastayhere.
Joey:Isn’tthatgreat?
Ross: (stutterslookingforwords) Ezels!!
End