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Friends老友记 Episode 811:TheOneWithRoss'BigStepForward
[Scene:CentralPerk, RachelislookingaroundtheshopasPhoebereturnsfromgettingsomemorecoffee.]
Rachel:Phoebe?
Phoebe:Yeah?
Rachel:Lookatthatguybythewindow, wow!
Phoebe:He’sawfullyshortandIthinkhe’stalkingtohimself. Andtobecompletelyhonest, he’snotthatgoodinbed.
Rachel:Oh, whatiswrongwithmelately? Imeanit’slikeeveryguyIsee—Imeanlookhere. (Pointsbehindthem) Lookatthatguyforexample, Imeannormallythat’snotsomeoneIwould-wouldbeattractedtoo, butrightnow, withthewayI’mfeeling, allIwanttodoisripoffhissweatpantsandfannypack.
Phoebe:Waitasecond! Thisisabouttheforthmonthofyourpregnancyright?
Rachel:Yeah.
Phoebe:Thisiscompletelynormal, aroundtheforthmonthyourhormonesstartgoingcrazy.
Rachel:Really?! Sothishashappenedtoyou?
Phoebe:Ohabsolutelyyeah! Ohandkeepinmindnow, Iwascarryingtripletssoin, y’know, medicaltermsIwas-Iwasthriceasrandy.
Rachel:Wow! Thisexplainssomuch! Lastweekend, IwentfromstoretostoresittingonSanta’slap.
Phoebe:Yeah. Yeah, IremembertryingtostealacardboardcutoutofEvanderHolyfieldfromaFootLocker.
Rachel:Ah.
Phoebe:Yeah.
Rachel:Well, y’knowwhat? IgoseemydoctortomorrowI’llaskheraboutthis. Maybeshecangivemeapillorsomething.
Phoebe:Yeah. Yeah, that’swhatyouneedagood…pill.
OpeningCredits
[Scene:CentralPerk, JoeyandRossarethereasMonaenters.]
Mona:Hey! (ToJoey) Hey!
Ross:Hi!
Mona:Hi! Look! IgotourpicturesdevelopedfromRockefellerCenter.
Ross:Ohgreat! Hey-heyJoey, doyouwanttocheckoutpicturesofmeandMonaiceskating?
Joey:Ohuh, ordinarilyIwouldlovetoo, butIamjustswampedrightnow. (Brushessomethingoffofhisshirtandlooksaround, butdoesn’tmovefromhischair.)
Ross:Heywhere-wherearethepicturesthatcreepypretzelvendortookofustogether?
Mona:Ohyeah, probablyattheend. (Flipstotheend.) OhmyGod! Heonlytookpicturesofmybreasts!
Joey:I’mmissin’ picturetime?! (Jumpsovertolook, Rossglaresathimandheretreats.)
Phoebe: (sittingdownnexttoRoss) Y’knowshehasafaceRoss!
Mona:Okay. Okay, here’sagoodoneofus.
Ross:Wow! Thatisagoodone! Wow, itlookslikea, likeaholidaycardy’know, withthetreeinthemiddleandtheskatersandthesnow.
Mona:Y’know, everyyearIsayI’mgonnasendoutholidaycardsandIneverdoit. Doyouwanna, doyouwannasendthisoneouttogether?
Ross: (pause) Together? Like-liketopeople?
Mona:Yeah, y’know. HappyholidaysfromMonaandRoss. It’llbecute, okay?
Ross:Okay. (Nothappyaboutit.)
Mona:Oh, Igottagettowork. Socallmelater?
Ross:Uhsure, sure.
Mona:Byeguys.
Phoebe:Bye.
(Monaexits.)
Joey: (ToRoss) Congratulations! Youjustgotmarried!
Ross:Iknow. Canyoubelievethat?
Phoebe:Wait, I’m-I’msorry. What’sthebigdealaboutaholidaycard?
Ross:Marriedcouplessendoutcards, familiessendoutcards, peoplewhohavebeendatingforacoupleofmonthsdonotsendoutcards! What-whatisshecrazy?!
Joey:Hey-hey-hey, heythat’syourwifeyou’retalkingabout!
[Scene:Chandler’sOffice, hisbossDougisenteringMonicaisthereaswell.]
Doug:Bing! Ho! AndtheBing-ette!
Chandler:Honey, youremembermybossDougright?
Monica:Yes, hi.
Doug:Hi. Sogoodnews, thedivorceisfinal. IsignedthepapersthisA.M.
Chandler:Ididn’tknowyouandCarolweregettingdivorced, I’msorry.
Doug:Sorry? Finallychewedmylegoutofthatbeartrap. Hey, congratulationstoyouguysthough!
Monica:Nolegchewingforussir.
Doug:Ohwell, giveittime. Sothedivorce, themarriage, we’vegotalottocelebrate. Howaboutweallgoouttodinnertomorrownight?
Monica:Ican’tthinkofanythingwe’redoing. (Quietly) Whycan’tIthinkofanythingwe’redoing?
Doug:Tomorrownightitisthen, Ishouldbeoutofcourtbysix. TheykeepthrowingthesesexualharassmentcasesatmeandIkeepknockingthemoutofthepark!
Monica:Okay, I’llseeyoutomorrow! (Dougexits.) Justsoyouknow, we’renotseeinghimtomorrow. (Chandlerwonderswhy.) I-Icannotspendanothereveningwiththatman. Doyourememberhowhebehavedatourwedding?
Chandler:No.
Monica:That’sbecausehewasn’tinvitedbecauseofthewayhebehavedatourengagementparty.
Chandler:Ohyeah. Boy, urinecutsrightthroughanicesculpturedoesn’tit?
[Scene:Ross'sApartment, there’saknockonthedoorandheopensittoMona.]
Mona:Hi!
Ross:Hey!
Mona:Hey, Iwentbythephotoshop, takealook, hereisamockupofourcard. Whatdoyouthink?
Ross:Huh. Wow, thisisgreat.
Mona:Now, doyouthinkitshouldsay, "LoveRossandMona?"
Ross:Well, we-wehaven’tsaidthattoeachotheryet, butIguessitsokaytosayittootherpeople.
Mona:Howmanydidyouwant? I’mgettingahundred.
Ross:Ahundred?! Well, I-IguessI’lltakea—Mona, uh…I-I’mnotsureaboutthewholeuh, cardthing.
Mona:Really? Whynot?
Ross:Sendingoutaholidaycard, together, ImeanIjustdon’tknowifwe’rereallyquitethereyet.
Mona:Ohy’know, Ididn’tthinkofitthatway. You’reright. You’reright. So, canIaskyouaquestion?
Ross:Yeah.
Mona:Wherearewe?
Ross:Huh.
Mona:Y’know, likewherearewe? Whereisthisrelationshipgoing?
Ross:Hmm…
Mona:ImeanIlovespendingtimewithyou, y’knowIjust—Ihopewe’removingforward. Imean, weshouldprobablytalkaboutthat. Don’tyouthink?
(Pause.)
Ross:Let’sdothecard!
Mona:What?
Ross:Thecard! Ithinkwe’rethere!
Mona:Okay. I—ButIthinkweshouldstillhavethisconversation.
Ross:Really?! Imean, evenwiththecard?
[Scene:Rachel’sDoctor’sOffice, sheiswaitingforherdoctorasanurseenters.]
Nurse:Hi!
Rachel:Hi!
Nurse:Justsoyouknow, Dr. Longcan’tbeheretoday, shewascalledtothehospital, soDr. Schiffwillbeseeingyou.
Rachel:Oh, okay. Hey, canIaskyouaquestion? Wasitme, or-orwastheguywhotookmybloodsamplereallycute? Y’knowwhoI’mtalkingabout, baldhaircut, hairyfingers… (Stopswhensherealizesitwasher.)
Dr. Schiff: (entering) HiRachel? I’mDr. Schiff. (Bytheway, he’sanattractiveman.)
Rachel:Yes, youare.
Dr. Schiff:So, how’sitgoing?
Rachel:Oh, really, reallygood. Butenoughaboutme, comeon! Where-whereareyoufrom? Whatdoyoudo?
Dr. Schiff:I’madoctor.
Rachel:Right! Right! I-Iactuallymeantinyoursparetime, doyoucook? Doyouski? Ordoyoujusthangoutwithyourwifeorgirlfriend?
Dr. Schiff:Uh, Idon’thaveawifeorgirlfriend, butIdoliketoski.
Rachel:Oh, Ilovetoski! Howamazingisthis?!
Dr. Schiff:So, areyouexperiencinganydiscomfort?
Rachel:No. I’mverycomfortable.
Dr. Schiff:Anypainfulgas?
Rachel:No! Shoot, Dr. Schiffwhatkindofquestionisthat?!
Dr. Schiff:Okaythen, wouldyouliketoliedownonthetable?
Rachel:Wellwouldyoulikemetoliedownonthetable?
Dr. Schiff:I’msorry, istheresomethinggoingonhere?
Rachel:Doyoufeelittoo?
[Scene:CentralPerk, MonicaandPhoebearethereasRachelenters.]
Rachel:Hi.
Phoebe:Ohhey! So, howdidyourdoctor’sappointmentgo?
Rachel:Well, let’ssee. Uh, theygavemecutedoctortodayandinthemiddleoftheexamIputmypinkyinhischindimple.
Phoebe:OhmyGod.
Monica:Whydidyoudothat?
Phoebe:Okay, rememberthatlittleproblemIwashavingduringmyforthmonthofpregnancy?
Monica:Ohyeah, theEvanderHolyfieldphase. Ohmanyouweresohardupyoupracticallycameontome.
Phoebe:Youwish.
Monica:Hey, Icould’vehadyouifIwantedyou.
Phoebe:Ohyeah? Comeandgetit.
Rachel:Okay, eventhisisturningmeon!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel:Ohhey! HeyRoss! Heyhow’sit, how’sitgoingwithyouandMona? Areyouguysstilltogether?
Ross:Ohyeah, yeahwe’removingforward. You’llbegettingourcard!
Monica:YouandMonaaredoingaholidaycardtogether?
Ross:Yeah, we’renotjustdoingacard! Y’know, she-shealsowantstohavetheconversationaboutwheretherelationshipisgoing.
Phoebe:Ugh! Women!
Ross:Iknow! Iknow! Whydoyouguysneedtohavethisconversation?! Huh? Imeannoself-respectingmanwouldaskawoman, "So, whereisthisgoing?"
Rachel:UhRoss? Youaskedmethat.
Ross:Hey! Youwereaclosedbook! Okay? I’mnotamindreader! Besides, Ihatethoseconversations. I’mhorribleatthem. Really! Maybe-maybeIneedkindofagesture. Y’know, somethingthatsayswe’removingforwardwithouthavingtotalkaboutit.
Monica:Likeaskinghertomoveinwithyou?
Ross:Smallerthanthat.
Monica:Makingheramixedtape?
Ross:Uh, biggerthanthat.
Phoebe:Giveherakeytoyourapartment.
Ross:Whoa-hello! Wewerecloserwiththemixedtape.
Monica:Allright. Haveyousaid, "Iloveyou?" Youcouldsay, Iloveyou.
Ross:YeahI-Idon’t-Idon’tthinkI’mquitethereyet, butIcouldsayIlooovespendingtimewithyou.
Phoebe:No, wehatethat.
Monica:Thatisaslapintheface.
Ross:Forgetit. I-I—Y’knowwhat? I’lljusthavetheconversation. I’lljustsayIlikethingsthewaytheyare, andhopeforthebest. WhatdoyouthinkRach?
Rachel:Ithink, ifitwasalittlecolderinhereIcouldseeyournipplesthroughthatsweater.
[Scene:Chandler’sOffice, Dougisentering.]
Doug:Bing! We’reallsetfortonight, 8 o’clock.
Chandler:Ohuh, asitturnsout, wecan’tdoit. Monicahastowork.
Doug:Oh, myex-wifedidn’twork, unlessyoucallturningintohermotherwork. Fine. Tomorrownightthen.
Chandler:Ohuhwelltomorrow’snogoodforhereither.
Doug:Oh? Whynot?
Chandler:It’sthesemi-finals…ofher…botchyballtournament.
Doug:What’sgoingonBing? Doesuh, yourwifehaveaproblemwithmeorsomething?
Chandler:Wellnow-nowyou’rejusttalkingcrazy.
Doug:Sowhycan’tthethreeofusgoouttogether?
Chandler:Becauseuh…we-we…wesplitup. MonicaandIsplitup. Holdme.
Doug:GoodGodBingI…wellIcan’tsayI’maltogethersurprised, Isawthewayshelookedatyou, andtherewasnolovethere. Andthewayshelookedatme, purelust.
Chandler:Y’knowwhatwouldreallyhelpmethroughthistoughtimeischokingsomething. CanIchokeya?
Doug:Bingmyboy, we’regonnagetyouoverthis. Nowhere’stheplan, grabyourcoat, we’regoingtoastripclub.
Chandler:Ohno-no-no, Monicawouldfreak. (Douglooksathim.) Buttohellwiththatbitch.
[Scene:CentralPerk, RossisgettingMonasomecoffee.]
Ross:Herewego. Monaumm, Ithinkit’stimewe-wehadaconversationabout-aboutwherethingsarewithus.
Mona:Yeah, I-IthinkIsuggestedthat.
Ross:Aw, we-weareso…(Motionsthatthey’reconnected.) Soumm, wellI-I-IlikeyouandI-Iloveumm, y’knowhangingoutwithyou. AndImean-I’mhavingalotoffun. (Hepausesandthinkstheremightbutmore, butdecidesthereisn’t.)
Mona:Okay.
Ross:Imean, there’snopointinspendingtimewithsomeoneif-ifit’sjustfun. It’sgottabe, it’sgottabegoingsomewhereright? Sowhere-whereisitgoing? (Pause) Ah! That’s-that’stherealquestion. And-andtheansweris…isit’sgoingsomewhere…fun. NowI-Iknowwhatyou’rethinking, funwasfineforyouliketenyearsagoy’know, butyou’re-you’renotgettinganyyounger. NoImean—Nonotyou, notyou, you—youaregettingyounger. Imean—you-youlooklikeyou’regettingyoungerbythesecond—What’syoursecret?
Mona:I’msorry, soumm, sowherearewe?
Ross:Well, welltosumup, we’rehavingfun, youlookyoung.
Mona:Okay…
Ross:Butthat’snotenough. So… So…here’sakeytomyapartment. (Handsherhiskey.)
Mona:Really?!
Ross:Really.
Mona:Youdon’tthinkthisistoofast.
(Rossgroansno.)
CommercialBreak
[Scene:JoeyandRachel's, RossistellingRachelandMonicaaboutyetanothermistakehe’smadewithawoman.]
Rachel:Yougaveherakeytoyourapartment?!
Ross:Notjustakey, Igavehertheonlykey! Iamnowahomelesspersoninaveryseriousrelationship.
Phoebe: (enteringwithsomeguy) Hey. OohRoss! How’dtheconversationgo?
Ross:Ohgreat, Iliveonthestreet.
Phoebe:Where?! (Rossexits.)
Rachel:Hey!
Phoebe:Hi! Okay, Monica, Rachel, thisismyfriendRoger.
Roger:Heyeverybody.
Monica:HiRoger.
Phoebe:Soumm, I’mgonnagetussomedrinks. (ToRachel) Wouldyouhelpmeout?
Rachel:Yeah. (Theygointothekitchen.)
Phoebe:Umm, he’sheretohavesexwithyou.
Rachel:What?
Phoebe:You’rewelcome.
Rachel:Phoebeno!
Phoebe:It’sokay, he’savirgin.
Monica:Rachelumm, IwasjusttalkingtothisguyandIthinkhe’llhavesexwithyou.
Phoebe:Yeah, okaylet’sleavethesetwoalone.
Rachel:No! Idonotcarewhatmyhormonesaredoing, Iamnotgoingtojustdoitwithsomerandomguy!
Phoebe:Fine! ThenyoutellRogerbecausehewasreallylookingforwardtothis! (Phoebeexits.)
[Scene:AStripClub, DougandChandlerarethere.]
Doug:OhBing, lookatthosetwinsistersdancingtogether. Letmebuyyoualapdancewiththosegirls. Huh?
Chandler:Ohthat’sallrightsir, andthat’sjustonegirl.
Doug:Bing—What’sthis?! (Grabshishand.)
Chandler:It’sahand. It’sathingyouuseasaJackandCokeholder.
Doug:No, it’saweddingring. Yougottagetridofit. We’regonnagototheEastRiverrightnowandthrowitinthere!
Chandler:Ohno-no-no!
Doug:Ohyeah-yeah-yeah, y’knowIdiditandIfeltahellofalotbetterandifyouwhipitjustrightyoumighthitaseagullinthehead.
[Scene:Ross'sApartment, alocksmithhasfinishedchangingthelocksonRoss’sdoor.]
Ross:Okay, andohI’mgonnaneedabunchofextrakeys. ApparentlyIgivethemawayfornoreasonatall.
Mona: (entering) HeyRoss, what’sgoingon? Youchangingthelock?
Ross:No. Thatguyis.
Mona:Idon’tunderstand. You-yougivemeakeytoyourapartmentandthenyouchangethelock.
Locksmith:Goodluckbuddy. (Exits.)
Mona:Umm, I-Ithoughtweweremovingforwardandnowyou’re-you’resendingmeallthesemixedsignals. Whatareyoutryingtotellme?
Ross:I’mtryingtotellyouImadeyouamixtape.
Mona:What?
Ross:Iloveyou!
Mona:Ohh! (Hugshim.) AndIlovespendingtimewithyou. (Rossisn’thappy.)
[Scene:MonicaandChandler's, MonicaiseatingdinnerasChandlerenters.]
Chandler:HihoneyI’mhome.
Monica:Fromthetequilafactory?
Chandler:Itwasawful. TogetoutofgoingtodinnerwithDougItoldhimthatyouandIsplitup. Sothenhetookmetoallthesestripclubsandsleazybars, andthenwhenIwouldn’tgivehimmyweddingring, hethrewasodacanatabird!
Monica:Comehere. Icanbreaththrowmymouth.
Chandler:Y’knowwhattheworsepartwas? Igottoseewhatmylifewouldbelikewithoutyou. ItwaslikeIt’saWonderfulLifewithlapdances. Pleasepromisethatyouwillneverleaveme, thatwewillgrowoldtogether, andbewitheachotherfortherestofourlives.
Monica:Ipromise. Hey, speakingoftogether, howaboutwesendoutaholidaycardthisyear?
Chandler:Ooh, Idon’tknowifwe’rethereyet.
[Scene:JoeyandRachel's, Rachelisonthephone.]
Rachel:Yes. Hi, I’dliketoorderapizza. Okay, canIaskyouaquestion? Is-isthecuteblondguydeliveringtonight? VeryAmbocrombie & Fitch. (Joeyenters.) I’llcallyouback.
Joey:Whowasthat?
Rachel:It’sjustthepizzaplace.
Joey:Youhunguponthepizzaplace? Idon’thanguponyourfriends.
Rachel:I’msorryhoney, I’mjusthavinga, havingaroughday.
Joey:Oh, what’swrong?
Rachel:Ohyoureally, youreallyjustdon’twanttohearaboutit.
Joey:ThenwhydidIask?
Rachel:Okay, it’sjust—andthisisreallyembarrassing—butlatelywiththiswholepregnancythingI’mjustfindingmyself…howdoIputthisumm, eroticallycharged.
Joey:Isthatcollegetalkforhorny?
Rachel:Yeah. Soy’know, IhaveallofthesefeelingsandIdon’tknowwhattodoaboutthem, becauseIcan’tdatelikeanormalperson, whichisfinebecauseIdon’tneedarelationship, ImeanallIreallywantisonegreatnight. Justsex, y’know? Nostringsattached, norelationship, justwithsomeonethatIfeelcomfortablewithandwhoknowswhathe’sdoing. Forjustonegreatnight, Imeanisthatreallyso…hard…tofind. (LooksatJoey.) Sohowwasyourday?
Joey:Good, Iuh, Isawaprettybigpigeon.
Rachel:Well, Igottagetupearlyandit’salmostseveno’clock.
Joey:Yeah, Igotta, Igottagotomyroomto.
Rachel:Okay, goodnight!
Joey:Goodnight. (Theybothentertheirrooms.)
(Pause.)
Joey: (entering) Ican’tdoit!
Rachel: (entering) Ididn’taskyoutodoit!
Joey:You’reRachel!
Rachel:You’reJoey!
Joey:You’remyfriend!
Rachel:Rightbackatya!
Joey:Butplusitwouldbewrongandweirdand-and-andbad.
Rachel:Andsobad. Idon’tevenknowwhatyou’retalkingaboutbecauseIdidn’taskyoutodoanything!
Joey:Iknow!
(Pause.)
Joey:Doyouwannadoit?
Rachel:No!
Joey:Allright, meneither! Iwasjusttestingyou!
Rachel:That’stheendofthisconversation!
Joey:Thisconversationneverhappened!
Rachel:Neverhappened! Goodnight!
Joey:Goodnight!
(TheybothgointotheirroomsandafteralittlewhileRachelpokesherheadintothelivingroom.)
Joey:Getbackinthere! (Rachelre-entersherroomandclosesthedoor.)
ClosingCredits
[Scene:JoeyandRachel's, RachelisthereasPhoebeenters.]
Phoebe:Hi. Listen, I’msorryaboutthatwholethingwithRoger. Itreallywasn’tright, andI, andIwanttomakeituptoyou, soumm, IbroughtyousomethingthatIthinkyou’llreallyenjoy. (GoesintothehallwayandreturnscarryingtheEvanderHolyfieldcutout.) Now, thisisjustaloan. Okay? I’mgonna, I’mgonnawanthimback. So… (Looksathimlongingly) I’mgonnagonow. (Exits.) (Pause) (Entering) I’msorry, IthoughtIcoulddoitandIcan’t! (Shegrabsthecutoutandexitsforgood.)
End