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A deleted file
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
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"Pull over" or "pull-over"
A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Coming up beside her, he said, "Pull over!"
"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"
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Distance from the accident
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The judge asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied "twenty seven feet, six and one half inches".
"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?", asked the judge.
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Broken engagement
The soldier was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
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Essay
Teacher had set his class an essay in "A Game of Cricket". After two minutes Simon Steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home. His essay read: "Rain stopped play."
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Charming Ending
Young Lady: " Your novel has a charming ending."
Author: " What do you think of the opening chapters?"
Young Lady: " I have not got to them yet!"
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A special football match
Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Brack, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream."
"Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher.
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The plural form of "child"
Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?
Tom: Men.
Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?
Tom: Twins.
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Change
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
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Watch out for themselves
Farmer Jones picked a big red apple and handed it to the boy saying, "Watch out for worms."
"When I eat apples," replied the boy, "the worms have to watch out for themselves.
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Not a dancer
A lady went to a pet shop to buy a parakeet. She asked the clerk for a bird that could sing. The man sold her a parakeet, and she took it home. There, she examined the bird and found out it had a broken leg. She returned to the store with the......
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One hundred percent
Patient: Doctor, please tell me the truth. What are my chances of recovery?
Doctor: Just one hundred percent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die of the disease. Now nine of my patients have already died of it. You are the tenth!
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Catch a cold
During the fight, the boxer swiped the air furiously, but could not hit his opponent.
"How am I doing?" he asked the coach at the end of the round.
"Well, if you keep this up," replied the coach, "he might feel the wind and catch a cold."
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Much happier
Captain: Are you happy now that you are in the Navy?
Able Seaman Jack: Yes, sir.
Captain: What were you before you came into the Navy?
Able Seaman Jack: Much happier.
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Sooner or later
A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.
Judge: Have you ever stolen things?
Thief: Oh, now and then.
Judge: And where have you stolen these things?
Thief: Oh, here and there.
Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer.
Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?
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He told me to see you
Doctor: And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?
Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient: He told me to see you!
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An opponent lost his head
While making a long, dull speech, a politician received a great deal of heckling from the gallery. Secondly, someone threw a cabbage onto the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," said the politician , "I see that one of my opponents has lost his head."
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I always do
Two motorists stopped head-on on a bridge too narrow for their cars to pass.
"I never back up for an idiot." said one driver angrily.
"I always do." replied the other as he shifted into reverse.
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Loss of voice
One guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, my wife has lost her voice. What
should I do to help her get it back? "
The doctor replies, "Try to come home at 3 in the morning."
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How old are you?
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn‘t help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What‘s your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
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