分居日记-HappyBirthday
生日意味着惊喜、聚会、兴奋过度的吹熄蛋糕上的蜡烛。生日也是对过去12个月中的失败——感受到的或者是真实的——做出补偿的一种方法。
Ilikebirthdays. Ilikefuss, agrandgesture. Xcan'tunderstandthefuss. It'saboutupbringing, Ithink: hisparentsunceremoniouslyhandhimsomething – notevenwrapped – atsomepointwithinafewmonthsofthedate. I'mfairlysuretheydon'tknowwhenitis. Forme, birthdaysmeansurprises, parties, over-excitedchildrenblowingoutcandlesonspongecakes. Likepencilmarksonthewall, theyarethebackbonearoundwhichyouhangfamilyrituals. Birthdaysarealsoawaytomakeupforthefailings – perceivedorreal – ofthepast 12 months.
Wedidn'thavethestomachforthelastround. Absorbedinourownmisery, XandIlumpedtheboys' birthdaypartiestogether, aswiftlyexpeditedafternooninasoft-playcentre, aswissrollwithcandles. It'shardlythestuffofmiserymemoirs, butitmademesad.
Nowayearhaspassedandbirthdayseasonisuponus, forthefirsttimeasaseparatedfamily. Theboys' birthdaysareclosetogetheranditfeelslikeamilestone; Iwanttodoitright. Ontopofmynormalbirthdayfixation, Iknowthelastweekshavebeenveryhardforthechildren. Iamscarcelymotheroftheyearatthemoment: Ihavemadenoheadwayintryingtofindanewjob, whichscaresmestupid, andamstillbruisedandshockedfromtheaccident. MytemperisshortandIcryalot. I'veseenanakedlookofworryintheeldest'seyesandfeltpowerlesstomakeitgoaway.
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